Maryam's Daily Musings

I have moved

2007-04-30T16:24:00.001+08:00

Please visit my new blog at http://maryamsyahriman.wordpress.com

Nothing Specific to Talk About

2006-06-20T17:15:00.000+08:00

I took one day off from work yesterday and had a really good break (although I still have another 29 days leave until the end of the year). I wish I knew how I can finish up all these vacation days. Even getting one day off a week is difficult - what more for a whole month!

Alas.. when I got to work this morning, I was faced with a number of issues. It wasn't related to my current post, but my previous post. The auditors are coming in tomorrow, and a lot of documentation have not been prepared. We had a meeting about this earlier on the 7th of June but I guess they didn't realize the kind of work that is involved to ensure everything runs smoothly. But I can only watch. I better keep my mouth shut and stop making nasty remarks about why things don't get done!

I received quite a number of belated birthday wishes today. I feel so much older!

By the way, I have added Ahmed into my list of favourite blogs. Check his webpage out!

Happy Birthday to Me

2006-06-18T15:50:00.000+08:00

I turned 32 today. Scary. And I decided to change the look of my blog to make it look pinkish (makes me feel younger.. hehe). This morning, my twins wished me... "Hepi Berday mama" (after their dad taught them) so that really made my day. As I am writing my blog now (it is 3.52 pm) the younger twin had just walked out of the room. :).

So, happy birthday to me. May the coming days make me a better person - an obedient servant of Allah, a loving daughter to my parents, a loving wife to my husband, a caring mother to my twins, and a trustworthy employee of my organization!!

A Two-Month Break

2006-06-10T14:13:00.000+08:00

Hmm.. Exactly two month since my last posting. I wanted to write, in fact there were so many things I wanted to talk about.. but I just couldn't. My life was in a turmoil for the past two months. The excitement of the new job and a new boss, the sadness of leaving the previous job, the death of a dear friend.. sometimes I felt as if there was too much to handle..

But Allah is great.. I am still standing strong. I am getting used to my new job and, I still spend some time to help my previous department.

My husband has been extremely supportive.. and my darling daughters have been understanding, especially when mama has to work late nights!

A New Challenge

2006-04-10T08:12:00.000+08:00

The past few days have been mentally and physically challenging for me. My colleague and I were on our to KL for an exhibition at Midvalley on Thursday afternoon when I received a call from a good friend of mine who happened to be in a meeting to discuss on staff transfer. "You are coming to my department by 1st June!" I said, "What? No, please, not your department. As what?" "Err.. legal" he sounded hesitant. I kept quiet. I simply said ok and disconnected. I cried, I cried so badly that I was unable to speak for sometime.

That was Thursday. I was so upset that my newly appointed boss called me saying that he felt uncomfortable with the change since he is still new and I have been the backbone of my department for the past 6 years.

I reflected over the weekend. I called my soon-to-be new boss and asked him what he expected of me, and what plans he has for me. We discussed for some time, and I am quite happy with the outcome.

So, I am going to move forward and take up a new challenge.

There is nothing wrong in change if it is in the right direction. To improve is to change so to be perfect is to have changed often. (read this somewhere...)

2 more days to go

2006-03-30T07:57:00.000+08:00

There are only 2 more days left before this major change takes place at work. It would definitely affect me badly, and I am not sure how much my work will be affected. But yesterday was the last meeting chaired by my boss, and he was very excited about leaving! Maybe he has had too much of office politics in the last 7 years! Anyway, last Tuesday, we had a presentation and I would remember what my boss said to me for the rest of my life... "Thank you so much for making my last job easy to complete!" I had tears in my eyes. I went to get something for him yesterday night, and after 15 minutes, I decided on a crystal which has a 3-d vision of a person playing golf - maybe to signify that he now has more time and can improve his golfing skills!

Anyway, I spent 2 hours at the KL International Book Fair on Tuesday morning. It may be short but I spent more than $200 buying books for myself and my children. I could have stayed longer (and of course spent more) but my kids were getting tired. Now, these books would keep me busy for the next 3 months at least!

Unexpected Change

2006-03-24T13:49:00.000+08:00

Well, it looks like I am only able to update my blog once a week now. This has happened two weeks in a row, which is not good. And this is the third time this is happening!

Anyway, I attended a course from Monday - Wednesday this week, on Covey's 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. It was part of the common core courses that everyone is the organization must attend. We did even talk about the newest 8th habit that Covey had discovered. All in all, it was a very useful course. But it would only be more useful if we could practice it, not only at work, but at home. During the first day of the course, we were asked to think about our mission in life, what we are here for. And I suddenly felt so lousy. I mean, I have been such a bad muslim. I forget that I am a creation of Allah, and that I am here for one purpose only, that is to serve Him. I should plan on how to improve my life. Hereafter is my destiny!

Something else happened at work when I returned on Thursday. There has been rumours that my boss is about to be replaced by someone else since he has to concentrate on a special project under the vice president's office. Even he admitted it. I was a bit depressed back then, but he told me that it was bound to happen anyway. But on Thursday, I received news that they have appointed someone to replace him. And that person is someone I don't really favour. I even have posted my opinion on him some time ago. I was so depressed this time, I hid myself under a table. Shucks! If only people really understand his character! Allah, please protect me!

Proactiveness?

2006-03-17T08:26:00.000+08:00

Why do people like to point fingers at others when things don't go as planned? As executors and administrators, there is so much that we can do to make things go right. We've reminded, we've sent messages, we've called, but no one pays attention. And when asked by the CEO, you have the nerve to say that we are not proactive enough?? H*****!!!

Siti Nurhaliza and Datuk K

2006-03-10T13:56:00.000+08:00

I am getting tired of reading and listening to gossips about Siti Nurhaliza and her "beloved" (i.e. orang yang tersayang). A lot of people are saying that this special person is a certain Datuk K. In fact, Siti's love life became news - front page! of one of the local newspapers. And today, the said Datuk K was interviewed and the news appeared again in the newspapers. Can we just leave them alone? I am personally a big fan of Siti. And I am happy for her. I should be. Siti has the right to be in love, and she has the right to fall in love with anyone she wishes to. Who cares if the guy is 20 years older? She is the one who is going to share his life, not us! I wish someone would put an end to all these nonsense! We should be more worried about the petrol price! Siti, I hope you stay strong! This is BUKAN CINTA BIASA!!!!

Cintaku bukan diatas kertas

Cintaku getaran yang sama

Tak perlu dipaksa

Tak perlu dicari

Kerna kuyakin ada jawabnya oh..............

I wonder...

2006-03-09T08:33:00.000+08:00

Is there light at the end of this journey????????

Petrol, petrol, petrol!

2006-03-02T07:57:00.000+08:00

The price of petrol has gone up again. This time, not 5 or 10 cents, but it is 30 cents. Within one week, the price of every good in every shop on every street in every town will increase as well. My Unser now need more than $100 for a full tank. And if I drive to work everyday, that full tank can only last me 4 days. Can you imagine? It's a good thing I car pool with my husband now, so the cost is not that bad as his Satria requires half of what I spend on petrol. This is so stressful.

Can you believe this??

2006-02-25T06:42:00.000+08:00

I received a surprise phone call yesterday, at around 11 am, just right after I finished presenting a proposal to my Management Committee. It was N, my best friend. She used to be my subordinate in 2000 - 2001, but there were only two of us in my department that we became so close. She left the company in the next year, because she had found a better job nearer to where she lives.

Anyway, the last time I met N, was in 2002, when I was 4 months pregnant. She was then, filing for divorce from her husband. I was actually happy for her when I heard that, because her husband is always known to have affairs with various women. And he tends to use psychology to torture her, by accusing N of having affairs with other men. I think he was trying to make N feel lousy. I hated him since the first day I met him. There are a lot of other things that he'd done that I simply cannot write.

When N told me yesterday that they were officially divorced in 2003, I simply said "Alhamdulillah". Her husband beat her (I think that was the first time) in January 2003, and she fell into a coma for 3 days. Hospitalized for two weeks, she went on to fight for her divorce. He promised to pay her nafkah for their four children, but ever since he remarried, those payments have stopped.

Surprisingly, N had also remarried to a Muslim convert from the US. Truly, I am so happy to hear that. I am even happier to hear that he is able to protect her since her ex-husband keeps on sending messages to her using hurtful words. He even calls her a prostitute, and now, he is contesting that their four kids are actually not his. Can you believe it? He is such a b******! I mean, these are Muslims you are talking about. You have lived with your wife for nearly 13 years, had four beautiful kids, and now you are saying that she hasn't been faithful?? That is the biggest fitnah, and the worst that anyone could make!!!!!! I told N to take their children for a DNA test. At least to protect her dignity.

I am meeting N on Monday since I will be in KL. I just cannot wait.

Subhanallah.. Allah is the greatest protector!

The Success

2006-02-18T15:33:00.000+08:00

I received an email from my boss on Thursday.. "Thank you to everyone who made our effort to ...... successful. Especially to ..... who presented our proposal to the board via the impeccable slide presentation (kudos to .... ). My name was mentioned. I have never been so happy. Usually, when we present things to the board, it would have to be more than once. Everyone admits that our board is the most difficult to get through. But alhamdullilah... this is all a blessings from Allah. I know for a fact that my CEO actually did solat hajat before the board meeting to ensure that everything goes well. So, alhamdullillah again. Everything went well. And I spent Thursday, doing unimportant things at the office because I felt so burnout after Wednesday night.

Anyway, my mom's elder brother was admitted to the Ipoh General Hospital on Thursday evening. He was actually going for his monthly check-up when the doctor suspected that he had a minor heart attack. My husband and I rushed home after work to visit him. Of course, he looks okay. The thing that really caught my eye was how accurate these people can be. His age was written as 69.9 years old. Whatever that means. He is getting better, and my brother has made a special request for him to sent to IJN for further checkup. I pray that he gets better soon.

And today, is a Saturday. And I am resting at home with my kids. Have completed most of my work so I can concentrate on my kids.

I miss writing

2006-02-15T07:51:00.000+08:00

I miss writing. Lately, things have gotten so hectic that I leave office at 8 p.m. everyday. This is getting from bad to worse. Yesterday was the worst since my boss and I were stuck at the office until 9.00 p.m. trying to complete the presentation for the Board meeting which is today. And I am glad everything is over. Alhamdulillah. And I pray everything goes well today after all the hard work that we did. Hopefully the Board understands what we are trying to bring forward. Good Luck Boss.

Anyway, just to highlight that my last posting was on the 3rd of February, about 12 days ago. A lot of things have been happening since then. The first thing I remember - Anugerah Juara Lagu when Mawi won Best Performance and Best Song under the Etnik Kreatif category. My own personal feeling, his vocal improved tremendously. He is now more confident, and his dancing skills also improved. Congratulations Mawi.

My twin girls are now 2 years and 6 months. They are getting smarter now. They used to watch Barney only, but now they prefer Jurassic Park, and even Harry Porter. And I feel like such a lousy mom. I have been too busy with work, and I can only spend about 3 hours with them upon returning home from work. I try to spend more time with them during the weekend but then, my mind is too occupied with work that sometimes I miss what they are trying to say to me. They can say, "Mama, jalan baik-baik, nanti jatuh, sakit" (walk carefully or you'll fall) or "Mama, minum duduk, jangan berdiri" (don't stand while drinking) or "Mama, nak mandi swimming pool". Allah.. they are growing up so fast that I am getting scared!! Abang has been working hard too. He even had to work last weekend as the auditors were at the office. So, I actually miss spending time together as a family.

Meanwhile I finished reading 3 novels last week. I find it hard to sleep now, so I try to read some novels to make me feel sleepy. But.. it doesn't really help though. I have read Ramlee Awang Murshid's Bagaikan Puteri, Izzul Izzati's Bukan Cinta Biasa and Norhayati Berahim's Dia Lebih Mengerti. I am getting hooked with Malay novels now so I am going to the bookshop again this weekend to get more books! :)!

And I hate work now. It is just so demanding. There are so many things to do, and yet everyone is expecting you to do everything. But I am surviving.

I also learnt something new... The Survival of Human Being is Not Determined by Its Strength, but Determined by Its Sensitivity to Changes.

Aku Tanpa Cinta Mu

2006-02-03T23:16:00.000+08:00

Telah ku mungkiri janjiku lagi ..
Walau seribu kali..
Ku ulang sendiri ..
Aku takkan tempuh lagi
Apakah kau terima cintaku lagi
Setelah ku berpaling..
Dari pandangan Mu
Yang kabur kerna jahilnya aku
Mengapa cinta Mu tak pernah hadir
Subur dalam jiwa ku..
Agarku tetap bahagia
Tanpa cintaku tetaplah Kau di sana
Aku tanpa cinta Mu ..
Bagai layang-layang terputus talinya
Masihkah ada sekelumit belas..
Mengemis kasih Mu Tuhan..
Untukku berpaut dan bersandar
Aku di sini kan tetap terus mencuba
Untuk beroleh cinta Mu
Walau ranjaunya menusuk pedih..

The Week That Was...

2006-01-29T13:23:00.000+08:00

It was an incredibly busy week last week. I was occupied with work day and night.. and I am so glad that it is all over now..

But then...

Last Friday morning, I received news that our good friend, Siti, lost her husband in a car accident. He was riding on his bike on the way back from Pasar Malam, when a car hit him. Hasbullah died on the spot. Arwah was only 30 years old, while Siti is still in her late 20s. They have two small kids, the elder one barely 3 years old, and the younger one reaching 1. Allah.. Please forgive him and place him next to your loved ones.. This is such a great test for Siti. And I pray that she be strong.

I cried. I just couldn't imagine if I was in Siti's shoes. Will I ever make it through? Imagine the kids growing up without even knowing their dad. Allah.. But then, I have seen so many cases before this. My good friend, died of jaw cancer two years ago.. and now her husband is taking care of their only child. Another friend of mine, lost her husband six years ago.. and now she is taking care of her two kids, and to support herself, she opened up a nursery. And I have come across Norasyikin's blog, who died in a car accident about a year ago, and now the husband continues to update the blog.

I mean.. this is life.. and you have to be strong at all times if ever you are tested... Allah.. give me strength..

Happy Birthday, Mom and Abang

2006-01-20T06:13:00.000+08:00

19th of January is a special day for me. Two most important people in my life celebrate their birthdays today. My mother, the greatest woman on earth; and my husband, the most incredible person I know.

A lot of my friends ask me whether I made it a condition before I got married to find a husband that has the same birthday as my mother. I just couldn't stop laughing. Now, that is something extremely impossible to do. No, it was all a coincidence.

My mother is an ex primary school teacher. She is smart, but because she did not have any chance to further her education (I think she would have easily made it into university if my granddad did not use the money for other things!) she chose to be a teacher. And mind you, she taught Primary 1 from 1969 up until 2000 - i.e. until retirement! And I realize how important it is to have a good teacher when you begin schooling.. because these teachers teach you how to read and write. Up until today, anywhere my mom goes, there'll always be one or two of her ex students greeting her - in the supermarkets, banks, government offices. And of course, she is a wonderful mother and wife.. Although at times she can become very strict because we get too lazy to study.. but she made sure we understood why. Mak, I love you. Thank you for being such a wonderful and understanding and loving mother! No money in the world could repay what you have done for us!

When my friends ask me, what made me fall in love with my husband, I would always tell them one thing. Besides being such a loving person, the real thing that made me fall in love with him, is his sacrifice. See, my husband has, in some way or another, a similar background with my mom. Both of them were unable to enter university for some reason. Mom did not further her education because of her dad's actions. But my husband decided to sacrifice furthering his education for his mom. When my husband got into first year of matriculation, his mom (allahyarhumah) was diagnosed with third stage breast cancer. My husband, being the eldest and the only son, decided to stay home and take care of her. In fact, at the time of her death, he was the only one by her bedside. And I really admire him for that. Really.

Despite our difference in age (he is 4 years younger than I am) and education, he has been a wonderful and loving husband (of course we do have fights like any other couple). Thank you Allah, for him.

May Allah bless my mom and husband, and grant them happiness in this world, and more importantly, in the hereafter.

Raising Children

2006-01-13T09:33:00.000+08:00

I am quite upset this morning.. not with anyone else but with myself. It was a very challenging day at work yesterday, and by the time my husband and I got home, it was nearly 7.00 p.m. When we got home, mom warned me saying that the kids have been throwing tantrums the whole day. Mom thinks that it was because they had little sleep during the day. They usually sleep around 2 to 2.5 hours in the afternoon but somehow yesterday.. it was for only 1 hour. So that's why the havoc..

Anyway, we were too tired. And of course the little darlings just can't seem to get enough of us so they were playing and running around and making a lot of noise and jumping up and down.. That was when I sort of lost control of my temper and sort of yelled at them. The result... they cried. And the sound of their sobbing was just too much for me to take that I immediately felt so bad, and I started to have tears in my eyes. I did try to apologize, but I guess kids don't understand the word "Sorry"... And we have never felt so lousy like we did last night.

And this morning, on our way to work, we discussed in the car about the kids. I am going to surf the net today, and find some articles on raising children. Any suggestions, anyone?

The Sadness of Eid ul Adha

2006-01-11T23:43:00.000+08:00

It was Eid ul Adha yesterday. So, to everyone, Eid Mubarak.

I particularly dislike thinking about Eid ul Adha because one day before 10 Zulhijjah in the year 1996, my beloved grandmother passed away. My grandmother, who took care of me since I was born until the day she died.. left us at about 8.30 a.m. on 9 Zulhijjah. And the worst part is, I wasn't by her side when she died, I was thousands of kilometres away from home.. She started feeling ill about 3 weeks before that, and my mother warned me to be prepared for all circumstances. I did not believe her. But by that time, opah (as I fondly call her) was already unconscious. And coincidentally, she died on the 27th of April - which is actually my elder brother's birthday..

Opah was a very strong woman, and extremely patient even after all that my late grandfather had done to her. She was a pious muslim, and a very obedient wife.. I pray that she is placed next to Allah's loved ones in the garden of Firdaus....

I miss her so much. And that is the reason why I don't particularly like thinking of Eid ul Adha, and that is also why everytime we celebrate Eid ul Adha and my elder brother's birthday, there are only tears in our eyes....

Opah... may we meet again in the hereafter.....

Belated New Year Posting

2006-01-08T00:12:00.000+08:00

I felt so tired today. The twins were very active today, trying to get their dad's and of course my attention. I kinda think that they miss us very much. They didn't see much of their dad while I was away as they were at my parents' house. We tried very much to give our fullest attention to them, and of course, I was nearly half asleep by the time I was trying to put them to bed. I wish I could make them understand how much I love them. Perhaps, one day... But for now, kakak and adik, mama and abah love you so very much!

Anyway, it is just two days before Hari Raya Aidil Adha. We haven't done much though. My elder brother has gone back to Johor to my sis-in-law's house, so our house will be quiet this year. I still have to work on Monday, and will only be off on Tuesday, so I guess nothing much can be done. The worst thing is, I may have to be at the office early in the morning of Tuesday as we are running some examinations. Darn!

My significant other has started his new job at a pharmaceutical company just 5 kms from my workplace. It is a good change for us.. driving to and from work, spending 40 whole minutes in the car without any disruptions. Alhamdullilah, I pray that everything goes smoothly for him this time.

I have set some goals this year, the two most important being striving to be a better mother and spend at least 3 hours of quality time with kakak and adik (we already have plans to start trying for another baby end of this year), and secondly, trying to lose all the weight that I have gained while pregnant with kakak and adik! I have some few others.. and this year, I have actually written down all my plans properly. So, hopefully it will work this time!

Allah.. Thank you for everything....

To all, Selamat Hari Raya Aidiladha.

Photos to Share

2006-01-06T17:35:00.000+08:00

The city of Addis Ababa

Merkato - the biggest open market in Africa

View of the highlands

On my way back..

2006-01-01T09:45:00.000+08:00

My last four days was spent in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia. Just a few months ago, I was in Khartoum, Sudan. Sudan and Ethiopia is just next to each other geographically.. but there is such a vast difference in terms of culture, and surrounding. Addis is located about 2500 feet above sea level, so I had a shock upon arrival at the airport. The weather is so cool, and very refreshing.. and so unlike my imagination that all African countries are hot and dry. It was almost like Melbourne.

The first three days were spent completing the job that I was sent to do. It was pretty exciting, meeting new people, discussing about things and understanding how people work. And my last day was spent touring the city, shopping for things that are mostly cheaper than Malaysia. The driver took us to the highlands just to have a look at the scenery.. and Subhanallah! It was fantastic. I have never seen anything like that. Insya Allah, I will post some pictures later, once they are ready.

Ethiopians are mostly Christian Orthodox, and they have a different calendar from the rest of the world, and they celebrate Christmas on a different day. It was really interesting to see and observe what they do, and what their customs are.

And I cannot help but think of the Sudanese brothers and sisters whom I met while I was in Khartoum 3 months ago. Of course, Ethiopians are slightly more modern than the Sudanese, and the development in Addis is a lot more noticeable than in Khartoum. But who can forget seeing these people praying along the roadsides, reading Quran while waiting for the bus (and the security guards will always have a Quran in their hands and reading it while working) and screaming happily upon knowing that the next day is Ramadhan? Allah.. it was the best experience I ever had. Sudan is definitely a place I would like to go again if I have the opportunity. And the brotherhood in Islam.. you can really feel it there.

Regardless, it still feels good to be going back to Malaysia. I cannot wait to see my daughters!

A Message from Mummy

2005-12-27T09:51:00.000+08:00

It is my second time here, being in transit in a city called Dubai. While waiting for my turn to pray Subuh (by the way, it is now 5.20 a.m. here in Dubai), I decided to try out the wireless internet connection at this Business Lounge. I miss home dearly. I miss my twins.

Don't worry sweethearts.. mummy will be back soon. Thank you abang for allowing me to go on this trip.

I Have To Leave My Kids Again...

2005-12-26T06:58:00.000+08:00

Why do I have to go through all this? Why do I have to leave my kids again for 6 long days????? I feel like such a lousy mom. I tried to warn my kids this week, "Nanti mama pergi XXXXX, kakak dengan adik jangan nangis yer.. jangan cari mama yer.." (I am going to XXXXX, please don't cry.. and please don't look for me okay?)

The younger one seems stronger and more understanding. She would just nod her head and smile, and tell her twin that I will be going to work. But then the elder one.. she's different. She'll make this really sad face, and say "kakak nak mama" (I want you mom). It really breaks my heart to see them like this...

When can I be financially independent so that I don't have to work and I can then look after my kids??????? See.. this needs planning..... I should start doing so. But then how can you even sit down to plan your future when you have so much office work to complete????? (Yeah right.. you still have time to blog right??)

Pray for my wellbeing while I am there..

A Long Needed Break

2005-12-22T16:02:00.000+08:00

I think I definitely deserve that long break. I needed it. We needed it. We had a fun time with the kids. My twins, as usual, attracted too many comments from the public that we decided that it was a bit too much. I mean, anywhere we went, it was like, "Are those twins?" "Kembar yer?" "They look exactly the same" "They look like their father". Allah... Thank you for this beautiful gift!

The visit to the zoo was enjoyable. My kids had so much fun running around that towards the end of the visit, they suddenly decided that they are too tired to walk. So, my husband and I had to carry them. Now, that really made us tired since each of them weighs almost 16 kgs! The funny part was when we watched the multi-animal show. The orangutan was so clever, and when it waved goodbye, my twins couldn't resist shouting "Bye Bye Monyet" (Bye Bye Monkey) loudly - and that really caught everyone's attention.

But then, Aquaria was a different story altogether. If you have not been, you should. No, you must. It was incredible. I even feel that it is better that Sydney Aquarium and definitely better than Underwater World Langkawi. You can see Allah's creation around you! Magnificent!

I enjoyed myself too much I guess.. and I now I am not in the mood to work...

Summer People

2005-12-17T14:27:00.000+08:00

There was a book sale by Pay Less Books last week, in Ipoh. I bought three books, one of them "Summer People" by Elin Hilderbrand. I decided to read this one first - not for any specific reason though. I just had a good feeling about it.

"Summer People" is a good read, terrific. The story is about how the death of Archer, a well-known lawyer, changed the lives of the people around him. Archer was defending a murderer, Constance, who suffered a horrible life due to her brother's and sister-in-law's involvement with drugs. She intended to save her nine-year old niece from becoming a prostitute, but ended up killing her sister-in-law and her niece. So, Archer got so involved in the case, and on his way home from meeting with a witness, his plane crashed.

Archer and his wife has a pair of twins, Garrett and Winnie. They will always spend summer in Nantucket where his wife, Beth inherited a summer house. Right before Archer's death, he invited Constance's son, Marcus to join them the coming summer. And Beth decided to honor her husband's wish and invited Marcus to come along even though Archer was not there.

Marcus and Winnie fell in love. Garrett fell in love with Piper, David's daughter. David by the way, was once married to Beth for two weeks when they were still young. But then Beth never revealed this to anyone. And then that summer, Garrett and Winnie found out and started hating their mom for keeping that secret from them.

The thing that I found interesting about this book was how Beth, who lost her husband, dealt with the twins and how she managed to turn David's offer to get back together. She was so lonely, and she needed someone to lean on. David was there, but she loved Archer and will not replace him just because she was feeling lonely.

And I like how Piper dealt with her getting pregnant with Garrett's child at the age of 17. It is true what people say, you don't have to be trained to become matured. It just comes naturally.

Overall, it was a good read. I finished it in 8 hours.

Planned Trip and a New Laptop

2005-12-15T15:35:00.000+08:00

It has been a week since I last updated my blog. Yes.. I have been busy trying to complete all the current outstanding tasks as I will be on leave starting tomorrow until the 21st of December. Yahoo!! Can't wait to spend some quality time with my loved ones. My husband and I are planning to take the kids to KL on Sunday morning for a two-nights stay. We have made plans to visit a few places in KL e.g. Aquaria and the Zoo. I mean, where else can you take the kids? They are only 2 years plus - and I can bet they won't remember a thing by the time they reach home after the trip. Really looking forward for it.

Anyway, the Ipoh PC Fair was on last weekend at Ipoh Parade. We took the kids on Saturday night, just to get a glimpse on what was offered. Something really funny happened though.. While we were having some snacks at one of the restaurants, an elderly woman stared and smiled at us for some time. I noticed that she was looking at my kids. And finally she approached us.. To my shock, she said to me, "They are twins, aren't they? Would you like to be my "besan"?" (Besan means your child's parents-in-law). My husband laughed so loudly, that everyone stared at him. Really, it was funny. I mean my kids are only 2 years plus. Then I realize that she had twin boys with her, about 9 years of age. Haa.. now I see her point. But then again.. we just smiled. "Insya Allah.. if Allah permits" I said to her. Hmm..

We went back the next day without the kids and after nearly 4 hours, we bought ourselves a new laptop. My old one is almost broken already - it's been 5 years. It costed us nearly $4000 ringgit. But it was a good deal for me. 12", 1 GB RAM and 60 GB Hard Disk. Is it?

240 kms away from home

2005-12-09T23:34:00.000+08:00

I am sitting here alone, 240 kilometers away from my twins. It is nearly midnight, and I just don't feel sleepy at all. I miss them. Too much. Lately, they haven't been very easy to deal with - probably because of the traveling. I called them this evening, right after the meeting, and they were crying - obviously after a fight. The younger twin didn't want to speak to me. She's probably holding a grudge against me for leaving her again. But the elder twin couldn't wait to speak to me. And when she spoke with a very sad voice, "kakak nak mama" (i want my mom) - i just couldn't control my tears. My husband, who was driving at that time, tried to speak to the elder one, "takpe.. nanti esok abah dan mama balik okay.. kakak jangan nangis ye..." (it's okay, we'll be back tomorrow, please don't cry). But she just cried and cried. I cried too. I hate being away from them.

And what makes things worse is that during the meeting today, the boss decided that I have to travel overseas again. Arghhh! Why me?? It won't take long - only 5 days so it won't be too bad. Yeah, right! I haven't really decided if I want to go, but I'll think about it. My husband has agreed to let me go though. He says that I should grab this opportunity. Hmm.. but what about the kids???

Anyway, I met an old friend at KLCC today. I think I last met her when I was in high school. That's about 14 years ago! She hasn't changed much though. Except that she is pregnant with her second child. Congratulations RMH.

And today, I was asked this question, "Bila nak tambah lagi?" (literally means, when are you planning to have another child??) I could just smile.

Colmar Tropicale

2005-12-08T11:16:00.000+08:00

My husband and I were here on Monday and Tuesday. For the second time. The first time was with the kids, and my parents but this time around, it was just us.

I love this place. And I am definitely coming back.. if the time and money permits.

Mawi.. Yang Tercinta

2005-12-02T08:00:00.000+08:00

I have decided to write a review on Mawi's new studio album titled Yang Tercinta. I bought it a week ago.. and have been listening to it on my way to and from the office.. just to really get a feel of it.

No doubt, he has a great voice. And I especially like the songs Kian and Perempuan, other than Aduh Saliha of course. And the duet song with M Nasir, is a another good one.

However, despite the good voice and the okay songs, I still feel that Mawi would perform best on sentimental songs. I mean.. I could never forget the way he sang Dewa's Pupus, Nassier Wahab's Memori Cinta Luka and even Jamal's Kekasih Awal dan Akhir. He has got a good control of his voice and he can really sing high notes.

But to hear him sing such 'fast' songs with loud music.. I just think that he could have done better. Maybe M Nasir should start composing slower ballads for Mawi to sing.. maybe something like the most famous "Suatu Masa".. Imagine Mawi singing that song... :)

Note: My husband likes Yang Tercinta better than Mawi's AF songs because he hates sentimental songs.

My Brother

2005-12-01T08:00:00.000+08:00

I am the youngest of two siblings, and I have an elder brother who is 4 years older than I am. He is currently a cardiologist at IJN in KL.

My brother loves his job. He is extremely devoted to his job. So, once in awhile, knowing that he tends to forget a lot of things, I do remind him of important dates e.g. birthdays, anniversaries etc...

So, last Tuesday, he celebrated his 7th wedding anniversary. Knowing that he'll never pick up the phone during working hours, I decided to send him an SMS.

"Happy 7th Anniversary"

And I suddenly got a reply from him... "same to you".

HUH???????????????

I just couldn't stop laughing. I guess he didn't realize that the message was from me. He must have thought that it was from his wife. So, I called my sis-in-law, who just completed a C-section (she is an O&G specialist at one of the local hospitals) at that time and related the story to her.

We just laughed and laughed and laughed for nearly ten minutes.

Nothing's changed, huh?

Away on business trip.. and others

2005-11-29T07:58:00.000+08:00

i. Away on business trip

Hah.. that was the reason why I couldn't find the time to update my blog. I was outstationed last week on Thursday and Friday. Not far. Only to Kuala Lumpur. Well, it is considered far from where I live. Anyway, I left the kids with my mom since she doesn't want to tag along. But my darling husband was there with me. We managed to catch up on a few things.. felt like it has been ages since we last went out for dinner, just the two of us.. without the kids. No doubt, they are always on our minds.. in fact, our conversations seem to concentrate on them. But then.. minus the screamings.... :)...

ii. My husband hates KL

He was always complaining. He'd rather stay in the hotel room for the whole day while I attended some meetings instead of going shopping. We were staying so close to KLCC, and yet he still wants to stay in the hotel. There was once when we went to have dinner at KLCC, after much arguing on where and what to eat we decided to get some noodles. That was when he quietly said to me, "I hate this place. Banyak maksiat." I asked him, "What do you mean?" "For a guy, it is a big challenge to control his eyes. Semuanya terbuka." Hmmm.....

iii. Somebody found out that I did not invite him for the small gathering

Ouch! This was what I dreaded. Silly me! How could I have invited someone from his department without inviting him?????? And I knew him much better than this other person that I actually invited. Sorry Mr Z. I will not forget to invite you the next time around (if I ever have one again!). Cooking for 30 was tough enough, I don't know how one can manage cooking for 200+ people! (note to mardhiah12!)

iv. That time of the year - Appraisal!!!

Monday morning... Aghhhhhh! No mood to work. And suddenly I get a phone call from my boss.. "Can you see me at 11.30? I need to discuss your performance appraisal." PANIC! But alhamdulillah.. the 1 hour 20 minute session went well. So, I am happy, and so is he!

A Small Gathering

2005-11-22T05:44:00.000+08:00

What a tiring weekend it was! I decided to organize a small gathering at my house on Sunday for some of my closest friends. My husband has advised me to limit the numbers to 30, or else he doesn't think I could handle it. So, 30 it was. But then, when I tried to list the names down, the list went to over 100! I kept thinking to myself, if I invited A and not B, what would B say? Or if I invited C instead of D, would I lose a good friend? After doing a lot of thinking and pondering, I decided to cut off some names until the list got to 30.

The next question was, do I cater the food from outside, or do I cook the food myself? I love cooking, but I have never cooked for 30++ people. What do I do? I did some calculation, the difference between getting someone to cook for you and you cooking on your own was quite huge, so I decided to challenge myself to do it on my own. I started cooking on Saturday night, after Maghrib, slept at 2.30 a.m. and then woke up again at 6.00 to continue work.

And alhamdulillah.. it was a huge success. Everyone turned up, and they enjoyed the food. The only frustrating thing was that my beloved, darling twins suddenly decided to become shy and stayed in the room most of the time. When I tell them to come out of the room and say hello to mama's friends... "Tak nak... takut..." (No... we're scared..) Haha! The elder one looked so cute when she said that..

Thank you friends, for coming and being part of my most cherishable moments in life.

Making Decisions

2005-11-16T12:23:00.000+08:00

There are times in life when we must make decisions. And these decisions that you are forced to make may affect your entire life... your husband may think that you are crazy, your kids will hate you for the rest of their lives.. and your parents think that you are an idiot.

But then.. what is life without making decisions, right?

I must pray istikharah tonight. I pray that Allah will show me some light.......

Time Flies... and Mawi

2005-11-14T09:34:00.000+08:00

My husband left for morning shift at about 6 this morning, so I walked him out to his car. After a hectic day on Sunday, neither of us were in the mood to work, so we chatted for awhile before he finally drove off. I went back into the house hoping to get some office work done but to my surprise, my twins were standing in front of the room, and were sleepily saying... "Abah gi kerja..." (which means.. Dad has gone to work..) They don't usually wake up that soon, so I laughingly took them back to the bed, slept between them as I always do (or else they will start fighting) and tried to lure them to continue sleeping.

And all of a sudden, the younger one said.. "Nak Mawi".. (I want Mawi).. Of course, hearing the younger one mentioning Mawi, the elder one automatically asked for the same. I couldn't control my laughter (we just bought a VCD of Mawi the day before and they couldn't seem to get enough of him) and finally said, "Okay, tidur dulu nanti kita tengok Mawi" (Take a nap first, we'll watch Mawi later). Alhamdulillah, they just agreed, and quickly closed their eyes. They were fast asleep within 10 minutes.

How time flies..... my two-year-old twins can now request to watch Mawi. Hmmm... wonder if I should be proud or get worried!

Hypocrites

2005-11-11T10:15:00.000+08:00

How can you tell if a person is a hypocrite?

I have wanted to tell people, especially those close to me about this, but I am so afraid of the outcome. But it has been hanging in my head for so long, that I don't feel I can keep up with it anymore..

A few weeks ago, I was in close contact with one of my colleagues. We had to do a project together. And over that short period of time, we worked very closely. You see, this person is well known by others as a person who is "islamically" inclined. What I mean is that he is always reading the Holy Quran, always saying Allah's name, always praying at the mosque.. and his friends are all imaams and sheikhs from all over the world. I respect him very much.. and would never imagine him being "another" person.. until he began to show his true colours.

On this particular day, he did something that I completely did not expect.. It came as a very, very big surprise to me. It may look 'nothing' to the eyes of others... But to me, it is a big, sinful thing. And I hated it. I hated him for it. And I hate him so much now.

I have lost respect of him from that point onwards. And I pray that Allah protects me from being in contact with him again.

And I pray that he realizes what he has done.. and that he repents from it.

Am I wrong in labeling him a 'hypocrite'?

Tips for a Happier Muslim Marriage

2005-11-09T15:34:00.000+08:00

This is a great article to share..

Following are some rules that may benefit those seeking an Islamic marriage, as well as, those who are already married.

1. Be conscious of your physical appearance

No one was more conscious of this than the Prophet Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam. His Sunnah reflects keen attention to personal hygiene and good grooming. He kept himself strong and muscular. Most likely the first aspect of you that attracted your spouse was your appearance, so don't think that simply because you are married the task is over. You can't hide a weight problem under Thawbs' (dress) and long Khimars' (veils). Your spouse knows. Be aware that you live in a society that places a high premium on physical appearance. It flaunts the shapely female and hermuscular counterpart. Temptations that beckon non-Muslims beckon Muslims as well. Don 't allow your spouse to get side-tracked by the likes of film stars. Jog, join a gym, roller skate, swim and stay in shape (within the confines of Shari'ah). Insha'Allah, you will be more vibrant, more radiant, and more attractive to your spouse.

2. Be a companion to your spouse

Try to show enthusiasm for your spouse's interests and hobbies. It is well-known that the Prophet Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam would run races with 'Aisha R.A. By all means try to involve your spouse in your interests.

3. Be active in Islamic community life

This will strengthen your commitment to Islam while providing you with a wholesome social outlet.

4. Admit to your mistakes and have a forgiving, generous attitude when your spouse errs

Most Muslims fall short of the Islamic ideal. Contradictions abound. Be quick to admit your shortcomings and work to amend them. Be understanding when your spouse does not live up to the Islamic ideal and gently try to motivate him or her in the right direction.

5. Have a sense of humor

Be able to chuckle at life's minor aggravations.

6. Be modest when around members of the opposite sex

Do not try to test your spouse's affection by feigning interest in another. This will only cause dissension and bad feelings.

7. Share household duties

Brothers, take note. This is especially important these days when women work outside the home. The Prophet Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam always helped his wives around the house and even mended his own clothes. Who knows? You might find you actually like preparing the evening meal or taking care of the child/children so your wife can have the afternoon off. The Messenger of Allah Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam said, "The most perfect of the believers in faith is the best of them in moral excellence, and the best of you are the kindest of you to their wives" (at-Tirmidhi).

8. Surprise each other with gifts

Treat her to an evening out alone, away from the children. There are no words to describe the lift this can give to a marriage.

9. Communicate your feelings to one another, good and bad

Tell him how handsome he looks. Where there is disagreement, have an open discussion. Don't collect red stamps. Nip it in the bud .

10. Live within your means

Stay away from credit cards if you can. Sisters, take note. Don't envy the possessions of your friends, and belittle your husband because he can't provide them for you. Muslim couples will do well to stay away from ostentatious living. The Prophet Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam did not live this way, neither should you.

11. Respect your spouse's need for privacy

A quiet time to oneself, either at home or away from home, each day can make a disagreeable person agreeable.

12. Don 't share personal problems with others

There are a few exceptions to this rule, but if you must discuss personal problems, make sure it is with a person in whom you have the utmost confidence. If you have a learned Muslim brother or sister in your community, seek him or her out first.

13. Be sensitive to your spouse's moods

If you want to share a personal achievement, don't do it when your spouse is 'down in the dumps'. Wait for the proper time. You may be saying to yourself, "This is easier said than done." Well, you're right. A successful marriage doesn't just happen. It's not simply a matter of luck or finding the right person. It takes hard work and determination. It means being selfless and making mistakes. It means having vengeance on your mind but forgiveness in your heart. But, then, its perfection is "half of faith".

"Our Lord! Grant unto us wives and offspring who will be the comfort of our eyes, and give us (the grace) to lead righteous." [Surah Al-Furqan Verse 74]

The whole world is an asset and the best asset is a good spouse.

Adapted from the original article "Tips for a Happier Muslim Marriage" by Muntaqima Abdur-Rashid and taken from ..a wife's babbling...

John Norafizan

2005-11-01T07:13:00.000+08:00

I love books. Period. I have been reading a lot of Malay novels lately, and one of the websites that I simply love to visit i.e. Carriekirana suggested some really good novels that I cannot resist reading.

These two books have caught my attention, that I finished reading them in less than two days. John Norafizan is a remarkable author. His plots are very smooth, and his style of writing - I just love it. To John (if you are reading this), thank you for such wonderful works. What you have written in these two books are just so deja vu to me, maybe because during my six years stay in a foreign country, things that you have described in your books happen everyday. Congratulations, and I hope to see more of your works in the future.

I would give both books a 9.99 out of a full score of 10. They are THAT good.

Break Time

2005-10-29T06:20:00.000+08:00

Alhamdulillah.. All praises are for Allah...

Things have improved significantly these past two days. The earlier confrontation actually did a lot of good, and now, things are getting back to normal. Allah.. Thank you...

Anyway, Ramadhan is coming to an end.. I just cannot believe how fast time flies. In a few days, all Muslims brothers and sisters will be celebrating Eid-ul-Fitri. I have taken a long break this time, and altogether, I will be with my family for 11 days. Cool.. (although I did take home with me a significant amount of office work to be completed over these 11 days!)

The last day at work yesterday wasn't very productive at all for me. I spent half of the day clearing my mailbox, and the rest of the day packing up things. I guess everyone was in the mood for a holiday anyway.. We had a meeting early in the morning but the boss was in a terrible mood, so he was rather annoying. I just had to brush aside all that he said, and just agreed with whatever he said. After the meeting, I realized that I really deserve this long break from work!

I will not be updating this blog for sometime I guess.. no.. I will be updating this blog when I find the time over this holiday season..

Till then... enjoy.

Allah........... Help me....

2005-10-26T12:03:00.000+08:00

I have never felt this sad before. Not even when my beloved grandmother passed away. This is worse than worse. I cannot even begin to describe how down I'm feeling at the moment. I felt so betrayed, so unappreciated, so lousy despite the fact that I was the one who wanted to have the confrontation. But then, I never expected it to turn out this way. Although I knew that I have won the battle, but I still feel bad. I cannot believe that I have made the decision to end everything.

How can I ever face this alone? Allah.. please give me strength especially in this holy month of Ramadhan......

Please.....................

Surah Al Hadid Verse 20

2005-10-25T15:10:00.000+08:00

I was browsing through an old Quran of mine which I bought in 1996. During my stay in Melbourne, I used to refer to that Quran a lot because it had the translations. I used it heavily, especially when I attended Islamic classes which were held every weekend. The pages are so full of my handwritings! And I can still remember the sister who used to lead these classes, her name is Aminah Vanderdrift. Masha Allah.. a very pious and committed sister.

Anyway, I was struck by this verse in the Holy Quran..

"Know that the life of this world is only play and diversion and pageantry and boasting among you, and rivalry in wealth and children. It is as a rain, which brings forth growth pleasing th etillers, then it withers and you see it turning yellow, and it becomes straw. And in the Hereafter there is a painful chastisement, and forgiveness from Allah and His good pleasure, and the life of this world is only the enjoyment of illusion..... (57:20)"

And I have been thinking a lot for the past few days... How much time do I spend in remembrance of Allah??

Beautiful..

2005-10-22T06:52:00.000+08:00

I captured this at Sungkai. Beautiful.

Al Fatihah to Datin Seri Endon Mahmood

2005-10-20T13:40:00.000+08:00

Today, Malaysians mourn the passing of Datin Seri Endon Mahmood, wife of the Prime Minister, Datuk Seri Abdullah Ahmad Badawi.

Al Fatihah.

Unable to post photos

2005-10-14T14:35:00.000+08:00

Why am I not able to post photos on my blog? I have been trying for so many days, but I have not been very successful. Is there something wrong?

A Short Note

2005-10-11T08:32:00.000+08:00

I have been back since Thursday, but I just did not have the time to post something on this blog. All I can is that it was an unforgettable experience. I would love to get a chance to return to that place again. Serious.

Meanwhile, work is piling up at the office.. so I'd be busy for the next few days.

My other half has a job interview today, so all the best sweetheart. May Allah help our family in this blessed month of Ramadhan.

First Day of Ramadhan

2005-10-04T14:49:00.000+08:00

Today is the first day of Ramadhan. So, to all Muslims and Muslimahs, Ramadhan Kareem. May this blessed month brings us closer to Allah.

We went out for dinner yesterday, and my colleague wanted to meet his old friend, a professor of economics who is originally from Iraq. Me and my other friend felt that it wasn’t proper for us to tag along this ‘visit’ so we decided to shop around while waiting for him. When we went to pick my friend up from the professor’s place, I finally get to meet this person that my colleague speaks so fondly of. And the first impression I had was that this is one extraordinary person. He is old. But his face shines. You can actually see that he has a very strong relationship with Allah. And the way he spoke.. it just felt so right.

On the way back to the hotel, I tried to find out more about this person. So, my colleague reiterated a story about this man. Once he was giving tazkeerah to a few brothers, and was quoting a hadith from Rasulullah s.a.w. Another brother tried to argue with him on what another sahabah (i.e. Abu Hanifah) said about the subject matter. And that brother was really trying to get him annoyed. So he simply said, “I said Rasulullah s.a.w. said this and you are telling me that Abu Hanifah said that… Please brother… have some respect for Rasulullah s.a.w.”

Of course when I actually read what I have just written, it may have no impact on anyone, but when this professor actually said it, these words had such an impact on my colleague that he still remembers it until now, 30 years later.

I learnt my greatest lesson yesterday… watch your words! What you say may have an impact on others – and it may be good or bad, so watchout!

Feeling Amazed

2005-09-30T18:36:00.000+08:00

I am more than amazed. There IS internet connection here. AND it is wireless. Even the place where I work does not have wireless connection. This is supposed to be an underdeveloped country. When I arrived at the international airport yesterday evening, I thought that I had just gone back 20 years because the airport had practically nothing. We had to take a bus to the terminal. And yet, they have wireless internet connection.

I have taken some pictures and here are some images of the place where I am at now.

Cool huh?

Missing Home Already

2005-09-28T16:05:00.000+08:00

I am sitting here at KLIA at one of the business class lounges. No, this is not my first time, but I am enjoying it very much despite the fact that I am missing my twins terribly. The younger one cried hysterically (well, almost) when she saw me boarding the plane and of course, the elder one was comforting her. My mother rang me to tell me that the elder one kept saying to the younger one, "mom's going to work.. please don't cry!" I held back my tears, I didn't want them to feel sad. Besides, I won't be gone for long.. only 7 days! (but it would definitely feel like 7 years!!)

In two days time, this blog will be one year old. I am not sure if the destination where I am headed has internet connection, but if it doesn't, Happy 1st Birthday to Maryam's Daily Musings.

Pray that I have a safe journey!

Tiada Lagi Tangisan....

2005-09-27T07:55:00.000+08:00

On my way to work this morning, my favourite radio station, ERA, played this song on the radio. Tiada Lagi Tangisan is sang by Aishah, who has been in the Malaysian music industry since the 80s. It literally means No More Tears... I love the tune. I love the lyrics. To me, it kinda reflects on Aishah's own life... This song basically says that I have gone through so much pain, so I should stop feeling sad. There is no more need to hope.. leave me alone as I need to go on with my life..

kini telah lama kita berpisah

rintihan asmara kian berubah

tiada lagi mengharap

tiada lagi belaian manja mu

semua telah berakhir

ketenangan hidup menyinariku

keperitan cinta terlerai sudah

tabah dengan hati luka nan berduri

ku mengenali siapakah diriku

yang sebenarnya

tiada lagi tangisan

tiada lagi air mata

membasahi jiwa luka

yang tinggallah hanya memori duka

semuanya diduga

pertemuan kali ini takkan berkekalan

berakhirlah istana bahagia

biarkan daku hidup kesorangan

tak perlu lagi cinta yang menghiris luka

titisan air mata kini kekeringan

tak perlu menabur kasihmu

dan kini tertutup jendela harapan ini

kau yang menanti ke pangkuan aku

semua takdir yang telah ku temu

akan ku rela segalanya tanpa mu

Work

2005-09-26T13:45:00.000+08:00

These past few days have been extraordinarily tiring for me. There is so much to do, and yet so little time. I only have 2 more days left before I leave for a one-week business trip overseas. I wish I had more time. No, I wish I had more time with my kids!

Then again... work means commitment, and therefore, I cannot say no.

The Smell?

2005-09-20T23:00:00.000+08:00

I was reading a really interesting article this morning about the effects of men's body odour on women. They did a study in a university in the US on a few women. How they did it was they took some samples of men's body odour (especially from the armpits) and tested it on a few selected women. These women weren't informed that those were the body odour of the men, instead they were told that the smell was for a new perfume. Surprisingly, the effect was that the women felt more calm, and it actually made them more relaxed.

The funny thing though is that, I have always loved the smell of my husband's body odour especially if he hugs me under his armpits before going to bed. I have never spoken to anyone about this before, but after reading that research outcome, I guess I couldn't agree more. To me, that is the beauty of Allah's creation. Men and women are created to complement each other. And one of the ways for a harmonious relationship between a man and a woman is probably through these things. It may be insignificant to some people, but to others, like myself, it feels damn good to be able to sleep soundly every night with your beloved husband next to you.. and forgetting all the stress from work!

By the way, my husband is on night shift tonight. And I am feeling so stressed at the moment. I will be travelling overseas next week for one week, and I would definitely miss him and the kids. I guess I would really have to spend a lot of time under his armpits once he finishes the night shift and before I leave so that I won't feel so upset! LOL!!!

PS: My friend's husband decided to leave that lady, end all types of communication with her, and concentrate on the family. Allah has granted her prayers! Subhanallah!

What if this happened to me?

2005-09-15T08:11:00.000+08:00

What do you do when you find out that your husband is getting very close with another woman at work? And that he and the other lady have already confessed to each other that they have some kind of chemistry between them?

My best friend asked me this question last night. I was stunned.

I told her that I have no answer to her question.

What WOULD any normal wife do??? What would I do if this happened to me????

Trying to get back to my normal life....

2005-09-13T12:31:00.000+08:00

It does take a while to get over the loss of a loved one. I have been keeping busy, but once in awhile, the visions of him keep coming back to me.

Today is already the 13th of September. How time flies! Currently, we are tight up with the preparation for the upcoming event. Everyone seems to be so busy. It should be a fun time for the whole family, considering that we have to spend so much for it. Mind you, it has been a while since we've had something like this take place. Everyone is looking forward to the event.. happening!!!

Anyway, they have planned for some games. The whole group will be divided into 4 teams, and they have given some really lousy names for it! Shucks!!! I have always hated racing. And I just don't feel like part of the team. McLaren? BMW? Yikes! They should have gone for something like Barney or BJ or Baby Bob... (God, my twins have been watching Barney every second and I am beginning to sound as if I like it too!!!!!)

And the theme song keeps hovering over my head... Barney is a dinosaur from our imagination..... lalalala....

Help!!!!!

Another Sad Day

2005-09-12T07:59:00.000+08:00

My dearest beloved uncle passed away on Thursday, 8th September 2005 at 4.05 p.m.

I am still missing him now. Visions of his face keep haunting me. And I can still recall his last words to me on the 30th of August 2005.. "Please take care of yourself..." as I kissed him on the cheek with tears in my eyes. I had a feeling that he won't be with us that long.. but then... I didn't expect him to leave us so soon....

Al Fatihah to Noordin Mohamed Zain. You will always be in my prayers.

Life and Death

2005-09-08T13:49:00.000+08:00

Why do our loved ones leave us at the most inappropriate times?

Early July this year, just a few months back, I lost a cousin. She died of cancer. Two weeks later, while I was busy preparing for a very important event at work, my aunt died of old age. One day before my fifth wedding anniversary, my father's eldest brother died after being bedridden for nearly 4 years. The last time I met him was a year ago.

And now, my father's younger brother (younger by 4 years) is in a coma. He has been having kidney problems and has been on the dialysis machine for the past 25 years. And one day before his eldest brother died, he collapsed. After the funeral of my eldest uncle, we visited him at the Intensive Care Unit at KL Hospital. He was still conscious at that time, and managed to wave a weak hello to us. But this morning, my brother called to say that his body refused to accept any more medicine and has simply refused to undergo the dialysis thing. The doctors are trying hard to increase his blood pressure so that they can perform dialysis.. but his body keeps rejecting it.

I feel so upset. I am close to this uncle of mine. When I first started working in KL, I lived with him for nearly 6 months. He helped me a lot, and supported me emotionally.

I pray he gets well soon.. but if Allah decides otherwise, I pray that he goes in iman.

Life is just too short....

Joke of the Year

2005-09-06T08:38:00.000+08:00

Men were born between the legs of a woman yet men spend all their life and time trying to go back between the legs of women.

Why?

Because there is no place like home!

Har Har Har Har Har......

I Lost My Temper

2005-09-04T15:18:00.000+08:00

I have been outstationed for the past two days. The first day, we had a meeting cum workshop at a hotel. The team accomplished what it had intended to do, so I guess it was good. The food was even better. Breakfast and lunch were exceptionally delicious. I must remember to organize the next meeting there. I wouldn't miss the food or the comfortable king-sized bed for the world.

However, the next day was extraordinarily challenging. We had to skip one immigration procedure because time was running out. Usually, it would be okay since the organization where I work has a reputable name in the country. But then, they were so hard on me yesterday, and kept questioning me about things that I could not answer so I had a verbal argument with the authorities! I think I was rather verbally abusive.

But then, the incident yesterday has proven to me that my biggest weakness is my inability to control my temper. And when I lose my temper like I did yesterday, I tend to be very nasty. I did say a lot of things that I wasn't supposed to say but I couldn't stop myself. I know I hurt that lady's feelings but at that point in time, I seem to forget who I was and why I was there. I seem to forget that Prophet Muhammad had said that we must not be angry!! Learn to control your temper!!! I think I should write her a letter to apologize for my misbehaviour.

How do I get over this biggest weakness of mine???????????????

My 5th Wedding Anniversary

2005-08-31T15:39:00.000+08:00

Today, Malaysia celebrates her 48th Independence Day.

And today, is also my 5th wedding anniversary. I cannot believe how much time flies. There have been so many good times, and of course some rough times. But then, my love for my husband still stands strong, and is probably getting stronger each day. Thank you Allah, for giving me this beautiful gift.

And now I remember the reason why we chose 31st August to get married... so that each year, our wedding anniversary falls on a public holiday! Good move! We should be going out for dinner tonight, and my kids get to spend 3 - 4 hours with their grandparents while we're out.

To my other friends who chose this very same day to get married (I know at least 6 of them), Happy Anniversary.

I pray to Allah for a wonderful and fulfilling life ahead.....

New Version of the 7 Habits

2005-08-29T12:44:00.000+08:00

This is a very interesting reminder to all Muslims. I know a lot of Muslims religiously follow the 7 Habits which was written by Stephen Covey, but then, this is a million times better.

Allah is great. Thanks sister.

Going Back to Old Habits

2005-08-27T15:50:00.000+08:00

I am really into the mood of reading novels lately. Judith McNaught used to be my favourite author, but she hasn't written any new ones lately. So, I have started reading Malay novels, which I have not done in a very long, long time.

Norhayati Berahim is becoming one of my favourite Malay novelists. I already have 3 of her novels; Hati Seorang Wanita (The Heart of a Woman) and Nota Cinta Buatmu (A Love Note for You), which I have read more than 2 times each; and I recently bought Cinta Pertama (First Love), which I should start reading by next week.

This morning, I bought two more books. One is Membina Hati Bahagia (How to Build a Happy Heart) which is a motivational book written by a very well known motivator in Malaysia, Dr Tuah Iskandar. To tell you the truth, I used to be so sceptical about him. I thought that he was just like any other motivator who takes people's money in return for some words of wisdom. But I was so wrong. It started when I bought a book titled Hatimu Untuk Siapa (Who is Your Heart For?) written by him. I didn't actually notice that it was written by him. But after reading it (in a record time of 3 hours), I fell in love with it. I could feel the sincerity in him. And that was what made me bought Membina Hati Bahagia.

Anyway, the other book that I bought was a two-in-one novel by Sheila O Flanagan. So far so good. Suddenly Single has been exciting enough to make me continue reading. I will update my review of both books once I am over with reading them. The next question is, if I have time to read novels, when am I going to start writing up my PhD proposal???

A Silent Prayer

2005-08-26T14:41:00.000+08:00

O Allah, the Most Gracious and Most Merciful..
Thank you for giving me a second chance..
Thank you for opening our hearts to make it good this time around...
Thank you for all the love that you have given us..

O Allah, the Most Forgiving and Most Compassionate
Guide us to the right path..
Give us the strength to obey you in all aspects of life..
Fill our hearts with love for You and only You...
Fill our souls with love for our Rasul, Muhammad saw

O Allah, our life is in Your hands
Bless us in this world and in the world hereafter...

Ameen...

Will I Ever Be Forgiven?

2005-08-24T15:03:00.000+08:00

Someone once said to me, "Watch your words.. because once you've said it, its out there, and you can never take it back."

I regret not reminding myself of her words. Clear and precise. But yesterday, I lost my mind. I had a big fight with someone I really love. And I had said some very extremely hurtful words that broke his heart. He really hated me for that.

But then... there is no point regretting things. It had happened. And as I cried myself to sleep last night, I vowed to Allah that if he ever forgives me for what I have done, and if he could love me again... I will not say things that I will regret again. Not ever.

I feel as if there is no hope left for me. And I have no other ways and means to remedy things but all I can do is pray to Allah that he forgives me.

Unbreakable

2005-08-23T13:54:00.000+08:00

This love is unbreakable
It's unmistakeable
And each time I look in your eyes
I know why
This love is untouchable
I feel that my heart just can't deny
Each time you whisper my name
Oh baby, I know why
This love is unbreakable

Fool Again

2005-08-22T09:16:00.000+08:00

Have you ever felt that the whole world is against you? Have you ever felt that no matter how hard you try to make things right, they will always go wrong? Have you ever felt like a huge failure in life?

I was on my way to work this morning, driving along quite calmly listening to Westlife's "Fool Again" when suddenly all the bitter memories came into my mind. There was this incident at work during our bimonthly meeting which really got to me. We were discussing an issue when suddenly my superior questioned my actions. I did follow the rules, but he had an idea that I didn't. He raised his voice at me. It wouldn't have been so bad if it was just me and him in his room or in my office, but because it was in front of everyone, that made it extraordinarily bad. And suddenly I felt so useless.. And to know that it wasn't my mistake at all!

I tried to remind myself that this was all part and parcel of the corporate world. Someone would have to take all the blame regardless of whose mistake it was. But then again, why does that person have to be me??

I should be updating my resume more frequently now. Maybe once my contract is over, there will be opportunities elsewhere for me. Better ones hopefully. Or maybe, I should start planning on setting up my own business. Which means I would have more time with my kids. Sounds good. I should seek some advice from those who have successfully set up their own businesses.

Until then... life still must go on. So I should get back to work!

A Successful Event

2005-08-21T14:02:00.000+08:00

It was good. Brilliant. They were all very pleased with the ceremony. Congratulations team! Let us do it again next year!

Backstabbing

2005-08-19T16:32:00.000+08:00

I hate people who like to backstab others. This was what took place today at my office, during a very important event:

A (Manager) : Please tell them to disperse now and come back in 30 minutes.

B (Staff) : Okay.

At another place....

C (Biggest Boss) : Why did they disperse so soon?

A: Really? Have they dispersed? Why didn't B consult me? B is trying to show that he can control them. See, I told you not to trust B.

Idiot.

I hate people like that. He should learn to take some responsibilities!!! Afterall, he is the manager. I think the organization should get rid of him.

The Runaway Bride

2005-08-18T20:22:00.000+08:00

I have always loved Julia Roberts. And Richard Gere of course. So last night, we decided to watch, for the 'I-cannot-remember-how-many-times-th' time. I was laughing my head off when I watched the part where Julia and Richard had their first kiss during her wedding rehearsal. That was so extremely funny.

But then again.. that movie reflects each and everyone of us. Did we really make the right choice? Is the person that we are with now the 'ONLY one for me'? One of my lecturers at university used to say, "If you are not sure whether you really love someone.. think carefully... If the world comes to an end the next day, who would you want to be with?"

Thank you Allah.. for giving me the right direction. I am happier now, more than ever. And Allah.. thank you for giving me the best partner in the world, and thank you for the beautiful twins you gave me.

Recover!

2005-08-17T16:12:00.000+08:00

I am back. And I am determined to activate this blog of mine!!!

Hiccups in Life

2005-06-25T15:04:00.000+08:00

I have just been through the hardest time in my life. It was definitely very challenging but it sure has made me wiser, and more patient. I have also learnt that tolerance is the key to a happy and peaceful life.

That 'episode' had such an extraordinary effect on me. I nearly lost control of myself. I even posted a note on my blog and had someone comment on it (thanks sis..) but now I regret putting it online and have everyone read it!

But I am back on track. My life has returned to normal. And I am more determined than ever to make my life worth living.

It has been very long!!

2005-06-18T23:42:00.000+08:00

I cannot believe this. I haven't updated my blog for the past 3 months! Although I sorta miss writing, but work has been so overwhelming that my home internet account was terminated - I have been an inactive user!

But I am determined to make a comeback. And ensure that my blog is updated at least on a daily basis.

I turned 31 today. So, Happy Birthday to myself. I have a few things on my mind that I am determined to achieve over the next year or so... and I hope I have the strength to do so.

My dearest husband brought me out for dinner with the kids.. We haven't had that for a very long time I guess...

To my beloved husband, mom, and dad, thank you for the unconditional love and support all these years.....

A Marriage Made in Hell??

2005-03-21T22:17:00.000+08:00

I was greeted this morning with a very gloomy face at work. My colleague was in a very bad mood after having a huge fight with her husband. She was nearly into tears.

You might say to me.. well, so what? Every couple would, fight or have arguments every day or every week or even every year.. What is the big deal?

It is to me. I have been hearing stories about her husband for the past two years. I admit that the guy has a lot of improving to do. But today's story was the worst.

You see.. she has to work to help her husband with the financial commitments. But she cannot drive, so he has to drive her to work.. which takes about 10 minutes from their home.

Today, he woke up late. He didn't want to be late for work. He left her at home with the two kids, drove to work and told her to take the bike to work. He told her he didn't have time to send her.

I just cannot accept that. How can you say that your wife is wasting your time? God! She is helping to pay for the rent, the bills, the nursery..

He is crazy. I personally think that she should leave the husband. He is just not worth waiting for. I hope she can cope with all this nonsense.

I am so glad my husband loves me. And I will love him even more after this.

My Car

2005-03-18T10:46:00.000+08:00

I have been driving a Toyota Unser for the past 10 months.

It is a great car, and is very comfortable too. Especially when I bring all of them with me... mom, dad, husband, kids. If husband is around, he'd drive the car otherwise, I would. But, the fuel consumption is very uneconomical. So far for 35 litres of petrol, would only get me 350 kms. Which is not much compared to my old car, the Proton Wira. But I guess, since I use it for the family, it is justifiable. And the service at Toyota has been wonderful.

Yesterday though, my friend went to the showroom to have a look at the Unser but the salesman told him that they have stopped producing Unsers and they are going to replace it with a new car!! That is not good news to me. Not after I had just bought the car in June 2004.

What is even worse is if this new car is going to look nicer.. Darn!

I Feel Like Hitting Someone

2005-03-17T12:32:00.000+08:00

I got so pissed off with my husband's boss last night. He was on the night shift for the past four days, and according to the normal work schedule, he'd have a three day rest before he starts on the morning shift.

But last night, some 'smart' guy i.e. my husband's boss called him up at 6.30 pm while we were having so much fun with the kids.

Boss: "I need you to work tonight, we don't have enough people".

Husband: "Oh dear.. Can you find someone else? I have promised my family that I'd take them out for dinner tonight."

Boss: "But I need you here. The production rate is quite slow. Can you take your family out tomorrow night?"

Husband: "Uhh... umm.. (looks at me)... okay. But I'd be slightly late, say 9 pm. Is that ok?"

Boss: "Good, see you then."

Me: "How could you agree???"

Husband: "I had to. He is the boss."

Me: "Remind me to hit him with the car the next time I see him."

And I was again, sleeping alone last night.. missing my husband.

Facts of Life

2005-03-15T23:33:00.000+08:00

I have never felt this lonely before. My significant other has been on the night shift for the past few days.. and I miss him so dearly. I don't know if I can stand another night without him next to me..

Meanwhile.. For the past week, I have been doing a lot of surfing on the net. I discovered quite a number of blogs which talks about love and relationships. Call me naive, but I am terrified to see the number of marriages failing and married couples getting divorced. Really, it is scary. But this things are just facts of life. People fall in love, out of love, get married, get divorced, have extra-marital affairs....

I do have fights with my husband, some which are serious ones ... but although I do sometimes say that getting a divorce maybe a good thing (especially when things get out of hand).. deep down in my heart, I know it is not true. I mean, I struggle to get through the nights without my husband by myside.. how can I ever get through the nights and days without him by myside? Furthermore, I always believe that a happy family becomes the foundation of a successful society. Therefore, more than ever, I am determined to make my marriage work, no matter what it takes. I am so determined to be a good wife. I know I have a wonderful husband.

Unless of course, the AlMighty has other plans for me.. Allah, please show me the way...

An Unproductive Day at Work

2005-03-11T22:30:00.000+08:00

Today was such an unproductive day for me. I arrived 5 minutes late this morning, and when I walked into the office I suddenly felt so burnt out after working so hard for the past few weeks. So I decided to have some fun with my colleagues. We switched on the radio and listened to some music until lunch... And I couldn't believe how refreshed I was after that!

Thank you boss, for not checking out on us the whole day! Life is great!

A new and fresher look

2005-03-08T09:14:00.000+08:00

I have decided to change the look of my blog. I was getting bored with the old template. I think this one looks much better.

How I wish I had more time to learn new things. Particularly how to design webpages!

Happy Birthday Father-in-law

2005-03-03T10:42:00.000+08:00

It is my father-in-law's 56th birthday. We decided not to celebrate it today, but this coming Sunday since everyone is so busy at work.

And I have been requested by my sis-in-law to bake my famous "moist chocolate cake".

Well, I don't mind doing it. But I don't think I'll be doing it wholeheartedly.

No, don't get me wrong. I don't hate that man. Its just that there are a few things that he has done that I can never forget.

My late mother-in-law loved him unconditionally. But he betrayed her trust. When she was diagnosed with breast cancer in 1995, he secretly married another. It is not wrong. I cannot say it is wrong since Islam has allowed it. But, what I consider wrong is him marrying her when his first wife was suffering and dying of cancer. I think that is so cruel. Would it be too much if he refrained from doing so until she dies? She needed him to be at her side. God, she was dying!

Of course, my late mom-in-law was too good a person. She was so patient through it all. She found out about the marriage, but no one else knew. Not even the kids. Not my husband or his sisters. But she confided in me, who at that time was only engaged to her son. She pretended that nothing took place. And she made me promise not to tell her children. I just couldn't see her suffering. It was so painful.

And one week after she died a peaceful death, my dad-in-law brought home the new wife to the house, much to the shock of the children.

I still cannot find the heart to forgive him. Not today. Not now. Not tomorrow. Maybe some years from now. Or maybe not.

To my dearest mom-in-law.. Rest in peace.. Al Fatihah and may Allah reward your patience. We miss you.

An enjoyable trip

2005-02-28T20:56:00.000+08:00

I enjoyed the journey so much even though it took us 4 hours to get there. It was worth it. And I am so glad that the kids enjoyed it too.

I am definitely going again.

I cannot make up my mind

2005-02-20T09:53:00.000+08:00

I have spent the past few weeks thinking about it. This burning desire to take it a step further is just something I cannot let go. It has been awhile since I completed my Masters degree.. and the quest for more knowledge is uncontrollable. I have two options, to do it locally on a part-time basis, or apply for a scholarship to do it outside this country on a full-time basis.

"Follow your heart" is what my mother says. "I know you can do it" is what my father says. And my loving husband says "I will support you, and be by your side through it all."

Yes. But there are just so many other things that I have to let go if I leave my job now. The salary that I am getting plus all the other attractive benefits are just things that I cannot risk letting go. Of course, I may be able to get a better job when I complete.. but what if I don't?

Well.. I still have another 9 months to think of it.

Monologue

2005-02-17T22:45:00.000+08:00

Today is another milestone for me. I did not update my blog for the past 9 days! That is bad. I miss my blog. I miss reading others' blogs. But I am finally back on track. No more traveling for the next few days... so hopefully, it would be updated regularly.

The past 9 days was fun. The trip to the East Coast was tiring, but it sure opened up my mind. And I found out where my first love is now..... the fact that he is still not married shocked me! I just couldn't believe it! And I couldn't help but wonder.. if I had waited for him.. would things have been different? Would he still love me?

But life must go on... and there is no point imagining things that you know is in the past. I am thankful to be married to my husband, who loves me unconditionally.

And I am thankful.. for everything that Allah has granted me.. good health, challenging job, beautiful kids.. the list just goes on and on....

Could I ever ask for more?

Gong Xi Fa Cai, Happy Maal Hijrah.. and The Greatest Love Story

2005-02-08T23:23:00.000+08:00

I am looking forward very much to the next five days as the whole of Malaysia will be on holidays. And finally I get a full 5-day rest, at home.. with my kids and husband. The Chinese will be celebrating Chinese New Year, so to all my Chinese friends, Gong Xi Fa Cai. The Muslims will also be celebrating the new Islamic year.. so Happy Maal Hijrah to all my Muslim brothers and sisters. May this coming year brings us all Allah's blessings and love.

The most interesting things about these celebrations are the advertisements that appear on TV. The latest advertisement by the national oil company, PETRONAS, was most touching. It was a story about the love of a grandparent who had to endure great hardship to raise her only grandchild. The child's parents had left him with his grandmother since they had to find a living elsewhere.. but they never came back.

And I am so reminded of my late grandmother. Although my parents had never left me, I was raised by my grandma, or "Opah" as I call her since my parents were both full time teachers. She was a great woman. My late grandfather had many wives, but he only had children with my grandmother.. i.e. my mom and my uncle. He seldom comes home, and my mom used to tell me how she tried to persuade my grandma to get a divorce and remarry. But she would never agree.. You see.. my mom wanted a father who was always home. But my grandma was a loyal person. She loved my granddad regardless. And she chose to stay married to him until he died. She died 33 years later.

And that, to me.. is the greatest love story of all. To love another unconditionally... Which I think is something of a challenge to me!

I still miss my grandma very much. I wasn't by her side when she died. I was almost 7000 kms away... And all I have left of her, are the sweet memories.....

Al Fatihah to my beloved grandmother...

Regret

2005-02-05T22:55:00.000+08:00

Why do we hurt the people that we love? I always have this feeling deep inside me that says that I shouldn't hurt him. But I just cannot help myself. Sometimes I do it intentionally.. probably because I felt that he has hurt me badly, or because I felt that I have not been treated well.

I had a huge fight with him. I wasn't feeling too well.. and I had to sleep late to finish some office work that was due some time ago. But then, the twins decided to have some fun at 3 am in the morning. I was so tired to entertain them, so I begged him to look after them since he was not working the next day.. but he decided that sleep was more important. I simply couldn't help myself. I cried and cried and said bad things to him which I shouldn't have.

I regret saying those things to him. I regret hurting him. But I did. And I can never take back those words.. and I hurt him because I couldn't control myself.

Away for nearly two weeks!

2005-02-03T01:12:00.000+08:00

This is the first time that I have been away from my blog for so long. It’s a record of almost 12 days – that is nearly two weeks! And there is only one thing that kept me away from you, my dear blog and that is work. I could never imagine a more hectic time than the past two weeks. Having to deal with new situations and new people is a big challenge, especially when it involves people from outside your country.

And the funny thing was, my boss signed me up for a course during that most critical week of the month! I think he completely forgot about it. When the day arrived that I had to leave for three days, he had the nerve to question me about it! How dare he! But since the company had already paid for it, well… I might as well go. It was actually a refreshing three days for me and my significant other. Since mom decided that the twins should not go, we finally had some time for ourselves. It did feel very odd without the kids around, and the first night away almost drove me crazy.. but after awhile, I felt that it was a time to rekindle our love… Despite the fact that he was being his usual self..

However, I learnt a lot from the three-day course. It was a course about relationship building. I also discovered my personality. I’m supposed to be the soft person, always finding it hard to say ‘no’ to others.. and very sensitive. Funny. I found 80% of what was said to me true. Well of course it had to be true. The answers to the questionnaire were given by me and the system merely read my statements and put them back it nice words for me and finally, give it a label! But it was good anyway. It was good to be reminded that there are other people surrounding you.. and that every person has a different personality. It is up to you to treat them well.. and according to their personalities.

Other than that.. I am still busy. I think I need another two to three weeks to finally settle down. May Allah grant me the patience to get through this.

Please Be Strong My Friend

2005-01-20T22:36:00.000+08:00

What a week this has been. My last entry was on Monday, and since then, I haven't been able to find the time to write.

Everything was going smoothly for me this week... work was progressing well, my significant other has been very supportive, and the twins were very well behaved... and the event that we have planned for went extremely well today.

But this morning... I received an sms from a very good friend of mine. And suddenly my world turned upside down. The message read: "I met with an accident at 1.30 a.m. this morning. My second child had passed away." I was devastated. I just couldn't believe my eyes. This cannot be true! She is such a sweet girl.

I decided to get in touch with my other friends, hoping that the news was not true. Unfortunately, everyone else confirmed it. But I still couldn't believe it. Calling him was not an option at that time as I knew he'd be busy with the funeral. So, I just had to pretend that nothing had happened.

Apparently he was trying to avoid hitting another car in front of him but his car swerved and the child was thrown out of the car, only to be crushed by it. She died on the spot. And she was only 7 years old.

I was able to keep my emotions in control the whole day at the office. I reached home at around 6.30 p.m. when I decided, it was time to make a call. I dialled his number, we said hello... but as soon as I heard his voice, I just couldn't take it anymore. The plan to stay calm, and give him the moral support he required went into the drain. I just cried. And cried. And cried. And cried.

I am amazed at his calmness. He is such an incredible man.. a man with strong iman.. and he accepted it as fate from Allah..

I guess... Life must go on... And therefore, everyone should live it to the fullest... Love hard so that when the time comes, there will be no regrets..

To my dearest W, Rest in peace. We will definitely miss you very much..

And to my dearest B & F, May Allah reward you with all the strength you require... Please be strong my friend....

A Memorable Night

2005-01-17T14:26:00.000+08:00

It was the 'night' of the year. The Juara Lagu 19 took place last night. My favourite song, "Relaku Pujuk" won the competition. And I am terribly happy. He sang so well. Although I personally think that there was a lack of competitiveness amongst them, overall the performances were good. Siti Nurhaliza, the Malaysian songstress, refused to enter the competition this year, but she would have won if she did.

I tried to translate part of the winning song..

No words are more superior than your expression of love that I have been waiting for.. (Tiada lafaz yang lebih agung, Kalimah cintamu, Yang ku tunggu-tunggu)

Nice.. And very meaningful too.....

Men will be Men

2005-01-13T14:04:00.000+08:00

It has been an extremely challenging day for me today. My to-do-list just keeps growing. And just because of one small mistake (well, it is small to me but big to my boss).. I had to endure a 20-minute lecture from my superior about separating emotions from work. He didn't even let me defend my actions. Damn you! But I did have a good laugh.. he said that maybe, I was under a spell which was the reason why I acted the way I did. He is just plain crazy.. no, not crazy, annoying and irritating. I am not sure how much longer I can stand working under him.

Now, let me talk about something that may 'uplift' my spirits. My significant other has been on the night shift since Tuesday night, and I haven't seen him since Tuesday morning. I was listening to the radio on the way to work this morning, when he called me. And the conversation went something like this...

H: So, what are you listening to?

M: Actually, I am listening to Sheila Majid's Kerinduan (literally means I Miss You)

H: Hmm.. I miss you.

M: I miss you too. (feeling like bursting already)

....Silence...

H: Do you know that Mahmoud Abbas won the elections?

M: Huh????? What does that have to do with you missing me?

H: Nothing. Just thought I mention it to you.

M: Oh... Okay.

I admit I am a romantic person at heart. Although I do accept that men sometimes find it hard to express their feelings.... but that conversation this morning.... goodness... I should tell him that I'd prefer if he'd be more romantic.... :)

Panic Attack

2005-01-12T08:39:00.000+08:00

I was doing some work last night when I suddenly realized that besides the things that are pending on my table, I still have heaps more to do! I panicked for awhile. Then I realise, I should calm myself down and try and think straight. I started listing down one by one, the things that I need to accomplish before the end of the month. And the list looks scary. But, then again.. the list is a list. To face my superior is another BIG thing. That is even worse. I think I should start thinking about getting another job.

Coincidently, my friend sent me an email this morning, which after reading, I said to myself, How True!! The email says this:

A BOSS IS LIKE A DIAPER.. ALWAYS ON YOUR ASS AND USUALLY FULL OF SHIT.

To go or not to go..

2005-01-10T22:08:00.000+08:00

The trip to KL was extremely tiring. Mom and dad thought it would be a good idea to bring the twins along to their cousins' home but, I think they got a little too excited during the journey. They must have thought.. "hmmm, it won't be that far so let us have some fun.." Subhanallah, they just couldn't sit still!! For three solid hours! Mom later commented, "The next time around, let us think ten times before bringing them along!" We learnt our lesson.

But, I guess that is part and parcel of raising your children. I mean, what fun would it be if we stayed home all the time? It was actually great having them jumping about in the car, screaming and laughing, teasing one another. They looked so adorable. Despite the fact that we are all, at the moment, almost half-dead, I, for one.. could still hear their adorable voices ringing in my ears. I'm sure that mom, dad and hubby feel the same...

Bridget Jones part 2 is out now. I might persuade my significant other to come with me to the movies next week (if the kids are in a good mood and if my mom agrees to take care of them for an extra 3 hours). I enjoyed Part 1 very much, so I'm sure I'll enjoy Part 2.

But then again, the images of people in tears after discovering their beloved's dead bodies and the images of the homes that were destroyed.. are still in my head. If I can get them out of my head, I'd probably decide to go for that movie. Or else, I'll just wait for it to be available on VCD and watch it at home with the kids.

Is this a sign from Him?

2005-01-09T21:43:00.000+08:00

It has been awhile since I last wrote. I have been so extremely busy with work that I couldn't find the time to even log on to the internet. I have been returning home from work quite late for the past few days.. the twins seemed to have given up waiting for me to come home. I am glad that the event is over. It took up all my energy and I couldn't even think straight the day before the event. But I am glad that everything went on smoothly although, I must say that there were some things which they commented during the meeting that actually made us furious. My boss actually went biserk! Never mind that.. I am glad, so extremely glad that it is over!!!!! I was so tired the next day that I went home after lunch and slept for the rest of the day.

Life still goes on... The tsunami disaster is still in everyone's head. And I have been praying so hard for the tsunami victims for the past few days. Subhanallah.. this is such a great test from Allah. And the power of Allah is so clear... did anyone notice the mosque that stood still in the middle of the city even when everything around it was destroyed? Read more here. Is this a sign from Him?

Praise Allah!

2005-01-02T21:28:00.000+08:00

It is the second day of the new year. Not that I celebrate new year anyway. But it is a good time to reflect on what we have done over the past one year. Muslims are encouraged to reflect upon what they have done on a daily basis.. I think it is called muhasabah in Arabic. If you think you have done a lot of good deeds during the day, praise Allah for allowing you to do so and pray that you'll be able to increase it the next day. But if you have committed a sin or sins for that matter during the day, well... Allah is the Most Forgiving, so repent and promise yourself that you will not repeat the same mistakes again!

The twins have been so wonderful today. We took them out to get some groceries this morning, and they were so obedient. No more running around the store playing hide and seek.. and no more yelling or crying after a fight.. Actually, it does make you feel good when people around you notice that you have a pair of twins.. I mean after three years of marriage, Allah blessed me with two beautiful daughters... It just feels great.

And I only have Allah to praise for this wonderful gift. A huge number of children have died due to the tsunami disaster.. and it makes me, as a mother treasure them even more.

Well, life must go on. And I will be back to work tomorrow after this well-deserved break. Allah, please protect us from harm and grant us forgiveness so that we would be able to meet You when the time comes.... Subhanallah!

New Year Resolution

2004-12-31T14:43:00.000+08:00

My best friend sent me an SMS this morning which reads like this:

IMPORTANT! For men only....

Resolution for 2005 - Must listen to wife more because she gives sound advice....

99% sound and 1% advice.

And I was reminded by this cute pic I received sometime ago......

Men will always be men..............

Happy new year my dear friend!

Heartbreaking

2004-12-30T22:44:00.000+08:00

Malaysians have been very generous in giving donations. For the tsunami victims, almost RM10 million have been collected from various organizations and individuals. Hopefully, these collections would be able to relief them of their predicaments.

However, as I was watching the news on TV tonight, I seriously felt that some of our local politicians were taking advantage of the situation. I mean, why must we focus so much on who donates what and how much.. and how caring our politicians are, going around the country and giving donations to the victims. Isn't that what they are supposed to do anyway? They rule the country, and they have been given the amanah to take care of our wellbeing. Never mind.. I shouldn't be suspicious of their intentions anyway. May Allah forgive me.

But I cried again tonight when I watched the news. It was so heartbreaking. They managed to capture the tsunami effect in Sri Lanka. The waves were so strong and a family of about six I think (one mom and five kids) were hanging on to one of the perished houses. The sad part was when the kids got carried away by the strong waves, one by one. Can anyone imagine how the mother would have felt? To see your children dying, one by one while you yourself are so helpless?? I couldn't. I would rather be the first to die so that I don't have to watch them die! Allah, please give them strength if they survive.. or grant them jannah if they have lost their lives!

To all Malaysians, keep the donations coming in!

Blessing in Disguise?

2004-12-30T17:08:00.000+08:00

Although I am not a fan of the current Malaysian government, I must congratulate Pak Lah for directing everyone to cancel the New Year celebration. Someone finally managed to speak some sense into him. This is not the time for celebration. If we are not sympathetic, at least be emphatic.

I read with tears in my eyes the story of the parents whose child was a victim of tsunami. I pray that Allah gives them reward for their patience. And I cannot avoid but recall back on the 'tragic' death of one of my cousins. She was just 7, and she started school that particular year. She has an older brother whom she rides on the school bus with everyday. That sad day, her brother forgot to hold her hand while crossing the road and she accidently dropped her bag. When she tried to pick the bag up, the bus ran over her. And she died on the spot. Her brother took about three years to get over it.

Of course, the life of a child is irreplaceable, but her mom gave birth to another daughter two years after that and they gave her a name which was almost similar to her.. Allah is great.. He took from them a child, and gave them another one.

No celebrations this year, but new year is still there. So Happy New Year everyone.

Sadness

2004-12-29T08:10:00.000+08:00

Everyone would have heard about it by now. The earthquake is Sumatra to me, is a sign of warning from Him. Of course, my heart goes out to those who are badly affected by the earthquake, and Al Fatihah to all my brothers and sisters who have lost their lives. But.. life is a test.. so, I pray that Allah grant them strength to go through this turmoil. It is always easier said than done though..

Allah.. grant us forgiveness....

Weddings to Remember

2004-12-25T23:09:00.000+08:00

Merry Christmas to all my Christian friends. And Happy Holidays to the rest of us.

My neighbour (three doors away) had a wedding celebration for her son today. Everyone nearby was invited including us. I went with the twins, but since my significant other had to work overtime today, it wasn't much fun. It has been awhile since I last went to a wedding ceremony.

Traditionally, wedding ceremonies for the Malays are very special occasions. Although the actual wedding ceremony itself, or the akad nikah, where the bride and groom say their vows, is a simple ceremony which takes about one hour to complete, the ceremony after takes longer.. sometimes for as long as three days! Of course, Islamically, the akad nikah will be sufficient to 'legalise' the marriage, but the Malays have a special way of celebrating it. Some people consider this 'extravaganza' a waste of time and money, but to me, it is more than just celebrating the marriage. It is during this time that families reunite, and the true spirit of teamwork shows. Long lost relatives, cousins, aunts and uncles reunite and each family member gets reminded that they are actually a big family.

It is often said that there are two occasions where long-lost families get to meet each other; one of them is during the death of a family member, and the other one during a wedding ceremony. One would of course prefer to meet other family members (some of which they have never met in their lifetime) during joyous occasions, right?

This neighbour's wedding ceremony was a true Malay wedding. The house was actually full, and I saw a lot of happyy faces there. They made a lot of noise that actually disturbed this ever-so-quiet neighbourhood.. but I guess they are all forgiven since it doesn't happen everyday.

And suddenly I remembered the day when I got married.... It was a beautiful occasion.. which I will cherish for the rest of my life.....

Life is beautiful, isn't it?

What I Hate Most

2004-12-22T13:34:00.000+08:00

I am feeling much better today after that well-deserved MC yesterday. But I still feel I should stay home another day. Because if I didn't come today, I wouldn't have to attend the meeting. And if I didn't attend the meeting today, I would not get this headache.

I hate being asked to defend the same thing over and over again. Funny. Didn't they remember it from last year? And the question was from the same person!! I should have recorded my statement today and replay it again during the next meeting next year.

Life is sometimes just extremely challenging..

Trying to keep awake

2004-12-20T08:23:00.000+08:00

I feel horrible. I wish I could go back home and get some sleep. The twins had fever last night, they felt uncomfortable and refused to sleep. But here I am, on a Monday morning, trying to keep awake in front of the PC.

And there are so many things to do today.

Allah.. Help me get through the day!

A Cup of Love

2004-12-18T21:26:00.000+08:00

I watched a local drama on TV last night. It was called "Secangkir Cinta" in Malay or translated as "A Cup of Love". It was a story about Syafiq, who was desperate to raise funds to pay for his brother's operation in Australia. He appeared on one of the local newspapers for this purpose, and was spotted by one Tan Sri. Tan Sri's daughter, Farah was supposed to get married the week after but her fiancee left her. Tan Sri offered to help Syafiq, on the condition that he agrees to marry Farah. Syafiq did. But Farah was already pregnant when he married her, and Syafiq only found out about it later.

What really touched me was Syafiq's character. Although he was 'forced' to marry Farah, he treated her as a wife. Especially after knowing that Farah was already pregnant. He was very responsible as a husband. Farah was very arrogant, and did not respect him as her husband. But he was patient. Of course, the ending was predictable. Farah realized that since she is already legally married to Syafiq, she should act like a wife. They fell in love after 1 year of marriage.

My significant other was with me throughout the drama. He enjoyed it immensely. That took me by surprise, because he hates Malay dramas. Funny.

Anyway, I found this in an email I received sometime ago. Are women that difficult to understand?

A Pleasant Surprise

2004-12-17T10:03:00.000+08:00

Ever since I started blogging about 4 months ago, I had never thought that anyone would read it. But I had a pleasant surprise this morning. There were two comments on my last post. I just couldn't believe my eyes. Thank you, to both of you, for making my day.

Anyway, I got over my guilty feeling last night. I confronted my significant other.. and Alhamdulillah, he understood what I was going through. He told me that he knows that I love him. We prayed together last night.. for Allah's forgiveness.. and for His blessings...

To bookgoddess, no, I am not offended. Muslims worship the Almighty, who created the heavens and the earth and everything in between. It is this same God that created me and you. And it is the same God that the Christians and Jews worship, only that Allah is simply the Arabic word for God. There is an interesting article by Dr Gary Miller on the Basis of Islamic Belief, if you or anyone else wants to know more.

May Allah guide us all to the right path..

"And those who strive in Our (cause), We will certainly guide them to our Paths: For verily Allah is with those who do right." (Qur'an, Al-'Ankabut, Surah 29:69)

Feeling Overly Guilty

2004-12-15T22:39:00.000+08:00

Why do we sometimes do things that we are not supposed to do? The urge to do it was so strong. Although it wasn't really an act, but merely a thought, I still feel guilty about it. Whatever that has happened between me and this other person was in the past. And I have no right to even think about that person as I have already made a commitment to another person for the rest of my life. I shouldn't have done it.

I called that person's home later in the evening only to find out that this person recently moved into another phase in life.. getting married. And an unexplained feeling of remorse overwhelmed me. I am not sure if I felt happy, or sad.. or even jealous.. It was really weird, and it really scared me. What if my significant other found out about it? Would he believe me if I told him that now, more than ever, I love him even so? After this morning's incident, I just couldn't wait to hug my other half when he gets back. And I did. Passionately.

Have I committed a serious sin??? Am I wrong for thinking about my past???