Chaos at home

They are all here. The house is in chaos. One of my family members came back to have iftar with us. And he brought back all his children along. The twins are so happy to see their cousins that they decided to have fun. They refused to sleep the whole afternoon. But Alhamdulillah, they slept quite early tonight. And I finally get to rest.

My other half is on night shift tonight. So, I am all alone. After we made up, we never fought again until today. We promised ourselves that we will try to rekindle the love between us both. And we will always think of the kids. I love them too much. And so does he. And I cannot imagine them growing up without a father to love. Allah.. please help us. Please guide us and protect us from harm.

Last Friday's discussion session was also great. I learnt a lot from the group. I miss the times in Melbourne where those gatherings happen more often. It is so true when people say that the environment around you shapes your character in a way. I should go to these gatherings more often.

I miss my other half. Very badly.

I never meant to hurt you

I love the photo above. It reminds me of him. He loves to hug me that way. And I am so glad we made up. Although the hurt is still there, but we made up for the kids.

He asked me why we are so different from each other. I couldn't answer him. I simply said, probably because we both have different aims in life. Thus, whatever we do would reflect that aim. I want something else. He wants something else. He asked me again what I want in life. I told him that I want Allah's love. He was silent.

But that was the truth. I am beginning to think so much about death and life after it. I don't think I am ready at all. Look at the number of missed prayers over my 30 years of age. Look at the number of sins I have committed. Should I go on living my old way of life?

I want to gain His love. I want you to gain His love. My love, if you are reading this, please know that I love you so much.. but Allah's love is greater. Let us walk this journey towards Allah's love together.. Lead me... Hold my hand and show me the way...

Allah... give me guidance... patience...

Disaster

It was horrible. Disastrous. I still do not know why we fought. I cried so badly. I still can't believe I did it. Allah.. why was I so unable to control myself? Why did I have to hurt him so badly?? He did hurt me bad. He did. But that did not give me a good reason to do so. I am so stressed.

It's here again

It is here again. I've tried to put a positive mindset today, but it doesn't work. I'm still feeling tired. I hate Mondays. Or should I hate weekends? If weekends do not exist, we'd have to work every day, then I won't be having any Monday blues. But then, if they really do not exist, that would be unbearable. It won't just be Monday blues, but every day blues!

Saturday was bad. We had to work. The whole day. I wanted to leave after lunch, but then, some 'words of wisdom' before we started off changed my mind. While it is true that ownership would make us commit to our employer, but not on weekends!!!

Spent the whole Sunday shopping for new clothes for the kids. Syawal is getting close.. but that means that Ramadhan is coming to an end. What have I achieved so for this Ramadhan???

Memories are Forever

If there was another place on earth I'd rather be, it's here. Right there in Melbourne. I miss the life there. I miss all my friends.. and most of all, I miss the beautiful beaches.

Remember Sunday mornings where we used to have coffee on Brunswick Street? At the Black Cat cafe?

Remember Friday afternoons where we used to take the tram to St Kilda Beach just to have a glass of mango lassi?

Remember the times that we used to spend just strolling along Swanson Street?
Those Saturday mornings where we used to shop at Victoria Market?

What about the Islamic classes at the mosque in the city center??

Life could never be better..

PS: My other half is on night shift tonight. I miss him like crazy.

Sudden Change of Mind

I am suddenly feeling very stressed. Why the sudden change of mind? I thought that it was agreed some time ago that we didn't have to go to the wedding. Allah! I have everything planned at the office. I'd like to finish up all my tasks since the boss won't be around. But I guess I have to follow the majority. Try and take it positively my dear!! You will have a good break with your kids thus you should enjoy the time.

Well, I saw this on my mailbox this morning..

Our Birth is our Opening Balance !
Our Death is our Closing Balance!
Our Prejudiced Views are our Liabilities
Our Creative Ideas are our Assets
Heart is our Current Asset
Soul is our Fixed Asset
Brain is our Fixed Deposit
Thinking is our Current Account
Achievements are our Capital
Character & Morals, our Stock-in-Trade
Friends are our General Reserves
Values & Behaviour are our Goodwill
Patience is our Interest Earned
Love is our Dividend
Children are our Bonus Issues
Education is Brands / Patents
Knowledge is our Investment
Experience is our Premium Account
The Aim is to Tally the Balance Sheet Accurately
The Goal is to get the Best Presented Accounts Award

Something to ponder.......................

It Has Been Awhile

I haven't updated my blog since Saturday. But a lot has happened for the past three days.

Work
Work has been good for the past three days despite me being so lethargic due to Ramadhan. But I guess, it is the challenge that every Muslim must take in order to please Him. We had a video conferencing on Monday afternoon - which was quite good. It was my first experience. It is amazing how technology can really make things work effectively. And the amount of money that we can save - wow! So unreal. But of course, Allah is greater. I do miss my best friend very much now. I seldom see him around. And I don't get to talk to him at all. Probably because it is Ramadhan. Quran recitation is going on as well especially during lunch time. So much better than sleeping!!!

Love
Hmm... Big mistake on my side. Had a big argument with my other half on Sunday night. I shouldn't have said what I said to him. I did say sorry to him.. but I am not sure how he feels about it now. Darling, if you are reading.. please.. forgive me. I never meant it!! He is on night shift now.. so my emotions are a bit..... ummm... unstable???

Well, the business of life is to go forward!

Thinking of You

I just had to go to work today. I know it is a Saturday and I know it is crazy to work on a Saturday but I just had to. There was so much pending work on my table that I just cannot let go. I had to finish them. And I did. Not all though but some. At least some. I plan to finish some tonight... Hopefully.. If I don't fall asleep.

Today was the second day of Ramadhan. And Alhamdullillah.. I made it through. There are 28 more days to go (I'm sure I won't complete the whole month though). That is usual for women. I guess it is a blessing in disguise.

Anyway, I was sitting down reading the newspaper today when suddenly I thought of my best friend in Melbourne. How is she doing? I lost contact with her when I was pregnant last year. I must.. no, I have to, write to her this year. I'll get her some presents... Just to tell her that I still think of her.... But thinking about her makes me miss Melbourne so much. I really want to go back there again one day....

Motivation to Wake Up for Tahajjud Prayers

O thou folded in garments!

Stand (to prayer) by night, but not all night,

- Half of it,- or a little less,

Or a little more; and recite the Qur'an in slow, measured rhythmic tones

Soon shall We send down to thee a weighty Message

Truly the rising by night is most potent for governing (the soul), and most suitable for (framing) the Word (of Prayer and Praise)

True, there is for thee by day prolonged occupation with ordinary duties

But keep in remembrance the name of thy Lord and devote thyself to Him whole-heartedly

(He is) Lord of the East and the West: there is no god but He: take Him therefore for (thy) Disposer of Affairs

(74: 1-9)

Marhaban Ya Ramadhan

It is finally here. The month of blessings, the month of forgiveness.. the month of tests. Marhaban Ya Ramadhan.

PS: I am making a new Ramadhan resolution. No more missed prayers!!!!!!!

Frustration

I had the 'sincerest' intention to do a good presentation this morning. But I think I made a mess out of it. It was so embarassing. My other colleagues keep telling me that I did alright. But I do not believe them at all. If I did well, the audience would have listened to me. They would have not talked amongst themselves. Of course, it was my first presentation. I should get some credit out of it. And what was worse, the MD was there! Allah!!! It was so embarassing!!!!!! I don't think I ever want to go back there again.

I don't think I ever want to do a presentation again in my whole life!

Life sucks!

By the way, it was announced that Ramadhan starts tomorrow. May Allah grant us all the patience, and courage to complete this challenging task. And may we grab the blessings of Ramadhan, and take the opportunity to bring ourselves closer to Allah.

RAMADHAN MUBARAK!!!!!

Amazing

Amazing. I love this photo. I got this from a friend. See the blue and brown colour blending?? I wish I could be a good photographer as this person is.

Landslide Shock Again

The landslide that happened on Sunday gave us a shock. I wonder what the highway authorities have been doing for the past years. It happened once some years ago. I can still remember the lorry driver who got killed. Sad to lose your life that way, although if he was a Muslim, than he would be considered syahid. It is a hikmah for him. But still, this could be prevented. That guy did have children, and they have to face their future without a father. And that made things worse. Didn't they realize that it was bound to happen again? But what really made me angry was that they admitted there were another 140 spots along the highway that is prone to landslide. And I repeat, it is 140, not 14! Allah!! This people should do something about it!!!! You don't want to hear anymore people dying!!

Anyway, my other half made me a huge mug of coffee tonight. I was supposed to start doing some work and finish up my corrections before passing it up to my supervisor tomorrow. But I am feeling soooo sleepy at the moment... I think I'll get a shower after this - so that I feel more awake.

I had an extremely busy day at work today. The phone kept ringing.. I felt like throwing the phone out of the window. My best friend called me up today, asking me about the sms I sent him. It was quite funny though, I didn't have the answer. I just said, well, I just thought I'd say hello. Life is funny.

I have to travel outstation tomorrow. I'm glad that two of my other friends are coming and we get to use the company's car. Good! I hate driving too early in the morning. But I would have to pass through the landslide.... How scary would that be????????

It is Finally Over

I just cannot believe that it's all over. Although there were some hiccups on Saturday, but Alhamdullillah, we made it through. I still have to make some corrections - not much though.

But it is really funny how two years seem like only two months. I can still remember the day we had our first meeting. The professor who taught me my first module actually rode a Harley (and he is almost 60 years of age!) to class. Absurd! I did enjoy his classes very much though - he was always so full of wisdom and the jokes he cracked in class - really made us laugh.

Anyway, there were also some bad times. Remember that lecturer who is well-known to be so genious - but he just can't teach! I remember falling asleep in class, and coming out of the class without even writing down a full sentence! The irony is that this guy is so good in research that we decided to take him up as our project advisor. He proved to be good in that and insya Allah, I will be pursuing my doctorate degree under his supervision. Good luck to me!

I celebrated the completion of my Masters degree by attending a concert by some local nasyeed groups. I love their songs. They have such amazing voices. I had to miss the Malaysian Idol results - but it is okay. It was worth it. I found out later that Jac won the contest just like everyone else had expected.

My twins are fast asleep. I have to concentrate in the next two or three hours to finish up my corrections.

Part of the song that I am listening to now.. Love it.. Meaningful... but Scary....

"......Ku anyam rindu menjadi hamparan.. Kerana ku pasti, adanya pertemuan... Di sana nanti, bukti cinta suci.. dilafazkan.. Tak bertemu pengucapan........."

Allah is always the best planner

Things never go as planned. Allah has said, "They plot & plan, and Allah too plans; but the best of planners is Allah" (Al-Anfal V.30). I love this verse. It reminds me of the beauty of Allah. You may think you know what is best for you, but in fact.. Allah always knows best.

The event that we have planned for so long when quite smoothly actually, despite the fact that the guest speaker was late. He tried his best, but I guess Allah has said that he will arrive at the time he did. Nevertheless, it was good. Not that I understood any of it - it wasn't my field anyway. But it was good just to hear what he had to say.

I feel so tired. I have a big examination tomorrow. And there is so much more to do. I think I am going to go and get a cup of coffee, sit down and concentrate for the next hour or so.

My other half is on night shift today... I miss having him next to me....

An Experience to Remember

I feel so stressed. I have always tried to deny the fact that I have a major weight problem. This is especially so after the birth of my twin girls. I can't seem to stop growing. Mum just had to say it.. she suspected that I was pregnant with my third child because I was gaining more weight each day! That scared me.. Allah.. please.. it's not that I don't want more kids.. It's just I need some time to rest. Insya Allah, when the time arrives, I will want to try to have two more... but my twin girls still need my full love and attention. I can't even spend a whole day with them unless during the weekend.. how can I divide my attention to another one? Allah.. I better go for a checkup tomorrow so that I feel better.

Anyway, the trip to Penang was enjoyable. My other half was with me thus.. it was more than enjoyable. The event that I had to attend to was useful. Met a few new friends.. and surprise, surprise! I met an old colleague whom I last saw in 1998 (she happened to be my other half's ex-teacher!) Small world!! Despite the event being held at a four-star hotel, the service was damned bad! A few of us came out late for lunch and there were no seats left in the dining room where we were supposed to have lunch. Of course, being a good hotel, one of the Banquet Executives decided to let us into another room (which was supposedly for another group) - and in less than ten minutes, we were asked to leave by another guy from the same Department. I was so pissed off - the organizer from the other group made things worse. He was yelling into his handphone complaining about us who apparently have taken his group's room. What an experience!

I learnt a lesson today. Do not lose your temper in front of the public!!

Love can make you smile

Why do people get mad at others for the wrong reasons? I mean, it's okay for you to lose your temper if that person made a huge mistake. But, to lose your temper on others just because you had a bad day at home is cruel. Allah, he really spoilt my day today. I wished I had the courage to tell him off but of course.. I kept my mouth shut and simply smiled!

My other half called me this morning. Simply to say that he misses me. I asked him, "Really? Why? We hugged each other before leaving for work this morning!" And he said something that I never thought he would, "Just because." I was overwhelmed with love. Despite the turmoils in our marriage for the past few months, we still made it through. I just cannot imagine a life without him now.

I have to leave tonight to catch an early meeting outside of my hometown. But I'm glad that my other half will be with me. Good to get some time just to be with each other!

If you are reading this my love, thank you for everything. Thank you for being there for me. Most of all, thank you for loving me for what I am.

Monday Blues

I hate Mondays. Especially if I had to spend the whole weekend finishing up my work. Glad it is all over now.

Last night was fun. The trip to the beach after that tiring weekend lifted my moods (not fully though!). And the dinner was so YUMMY!

The funny thing was - the place seemed so alien to me. I guess that's because the last time I was there - was 2 years ago. Now, there are new buildings. Nice ones too. The jetty looked so 'flashy'. A nice resort has been built. Well, the last time I was there, they were going to sell those apartments to the public but I guess they have decided that building a resort would bring in more money.

Anyway, we got back in time for the results of Malaysian Idol. Although Jac and Dina are good, but so is Vick so I'm pretty devastated that he has to leave. He has got a good voice. Will miss you Vick.

Well, I better get back to work - this Monday blues is really sinking in.

Procrastination

This is not the first time this has happened to us. We've been through this so many times. We only have about 48 hours before this thing is due. And we are so desperate at this very moment!

When are we ever going to learn our lesson??????????

Dreaming the Impossible?

Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams".

I had the biggest surprise today. One of my good friends at work has decided to call it quits. Her reasons are noble: 'I want to spend more time with my kids at home'. She's opening up her own copywriting company (I found out later that she had been planning for this day for so long!).

I have always wanted to do that - be a homemaker, spend more time with the kids, earn a living from home so do I can work at my own pace... And most importantly, I do not have to report to anyone else but myself. Isn't that just ideal? I think I should start planning for it. Maybe start my own business - I have always loved books so maybe I should open up a bookstore!

Anyway, Good Luck to you my dear friend. You have taught me that nothing is impossible in this world. May Allah grant you happiness in this world, and the world hereafter.