Sometimes I Just Don't Make Sense

This has been the most tiring day so far. I'm so tired of thinking about it. I just cannot make up my mind yet. I need more time to think about it. Maybe it will be good for me and maybe it will be good for him too. But there are too many sacrifices that we have to make. I am not sure if I am ready to do so.

Sometimes I wonder.. how much longer do I have pretend that everything is fine?? I know I am getting further and further from Allah now. I have missed so many prayers lately that I am not sure if I even remember how to pray. This laziness in me is getting out of hand. I understand the consequences of it all, but I just can't get myself to do it. I attended the gathering today. They spent the whole afternoon reciting the Quran. I listened to it. I felt the words cutting right through my heart. I wanted to cry, to admit that I am a very bad Muslim, but I just cannot do it. Why? Am I not strong enough?

Things must change. I must take steps to make the changes. The new year (not Islamic year though) is fast approaching. I have two major things that I want to accomplish, firstly, to start exercising and secondly, to stop missing prayers. Well, there is another thing.. I must start my studies. Where to do it, is still something I have to think about.

I am not very articulate tonight am I? Sometimes, I just don't make sense at all. I must get that sleep.